Monday, January 25, 2010

Fat Pants

I got new jeans the other day.

I’ve been in dire, dire need of new jeans for a while now.

Most of my jeans are torn or very close to ripping.

And we’re not talking about ripping in the cool “check out the holes in that guy’s jeans” kinda way…but more in the “holy crap I can see that dude’s junk” kinda way.

Anyway, Grace has been pushing for me to get new jeans for some time as well.

Grace thinks I look like a “flag pole” in my jeans. Apparently my sad chicken legs and very baggy jeans don’t mix, especially on windy days.

I had the day off on Friday and went to the mall in hopes of finally purchasing “(500) Days of Summer” and a new Beefy Five-Layer Burrito from Taco Bell. Before I got around to purchasing either of my original targets, I noticed that Old Navy was having a monster sell.

As they’re wont to do, Old Navy was selling everything off at roughly 60-90% off the original price to clear out space for all of the spring/summer stuff that’s coming in. I browsed for a bit and ended up finding some t-shirts, a sweet-ass green hoodie, and these new jeans.

They were originally like $40 jeans or something and I got ‘em for like $8, it was pretty freakin’ sweet.

Well I wore ‘em into work on Saturday and my stalker—who was bringing me an undoubtedly ill-begotten sammitch—found it necessary to comment.

Stalker: “Ohhhhh are those jeans new?!”
Stalkee: “Yep. Just bought ‘em yesterday.”
Stalker: “They make you look so skinny…”
Stalkee: “Um…thanks.”
Stalker: “Ohhhhh yeah, very skinny.”

**Awkward Pause Whilst She Continues Staring at My Pants**

Stalkee: “…are you saying my other pants made me look fat?”
Stalker: “Ohhhhh yes.”

**A Second Awkward Pause and More Staring at My Pants**

Stalker: “You looked really fat.”
Stalkee: “Hmmmmm…”
Stalker: “Okaaaaaaay, enjoy your tuna fish.”

…and that’s pretty much how that went.

Is there a point to this post?! Probably not.

I just figure I’m better off if more people are aware of my stalker on the off-chance that I go missing. Odds are pretty good I’m chained to a radiator in her basement, being force-fed all-kinds of pilfered foods.

So again, if you go days without seeing or hearing from me, please alert the proper authorities.

Thank you.