Tuesday, March 03, 2009

People I May Heinously Murder (vol. 3)

I hate, hate, HATE Rachel Ray...like seriously...she's the worst.

Literally the worst of all-time (next to Carrot Top that is).

She's a cute gal who had a solid concept for a TV show about whipping up quick meals. The problem is that those positives—both of them—are rapidly outweighed by a plethora of negatives.

Her ever-bubbly personality and energy come off as fake and trite. Her voice is annoying and grating. Her Dunkin' Donuts commercials were tacky and annoying as all-hell, honestly they made me long for the commercials with John Goodman's voice-over work and some poorly illustrated cartoons. Her cooking shows are not only boring, but all of the food is still far too complicated for me to prepare, let alone in half an hour.

Her talk-show is one of the most physically and emotionally draining abominations that I've ever sat through. For the record, this was done in what can only be defined as a Herculean effort to prove my mettle as a man. Unfortunately, I was only able to make it to the first commercial break before breaking down and giving up—manhood be damned—no one is strong enough for that.

So Rachel Ray, keep your eyes peeled because sooner or later, I'm going to lower the boom. I'll leap out of one of your studio-ovens wielding a semi-automatic machine gun with hallow-tipped bullets, dipped in deadly Argentinian poison...poison that's high in cholesterol and contains trans fats!!