Friday, February 13, 2009

Joaquin Phoenix Can Suck It

Hey Joaquin Phoenix, knock it the hell off dude.

We get it. We ALL get it. You’re doing this whole “I’m leaving Hollywood” thing and yet you’re making appearances at movie premieres and on late-night talk shows. Hmmmm, weird how that works.

Also your brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, has been following you around like a puppy. Apparently he’s recording everything you’re doing as part of a documentary.

Oh…oh yeah, I almost forgot and you’re working on a rap album.

*sniff* *sniff*

Man, what is that?!

Ah yes, it’s the very distinct aroma of bullshit.

Dude, seriously, no one thinks you’re giving up acting and leaving Hollywood. To be perfectly honest I think you’re working on some weird version of “Punk’d” that has you tricking the world into thinking you’re going away (despite your lack of ‘going away’) and then you’ll pop up and be all “hey, check it out…I’m back. Gotcha!”

Riiiiiight…dude, I thought you rocked the hell outta Johnny Cash in “Walk the Line” and, honestly, that’s all I got.

I vaguely remember that you were in “Gladiator,” but I can’t remember for the life of me if you had starring role or if you were an extra or a tree or something, whatevs.

Long story short Mr. Phoenix…either make some movies or get out of my newspapers and off my TV shows because I’m not buying into your bullshit.