Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Survivor: Cambridge

So as it turns out I’m darn near invincible. I’ve proven that I can survive blizzards, food poisoning, ice storms, sleep deprivation, car wrecks and just about anything else you can toss my way. Yet, the next two weeks will prove to be a real test of my fortitude. That’s right folks…‘tis that time of year once more. Grace is in South Dakota and I’m in Boston all alone, left to fend for myself.

Now I don’t want to say that I can’t cook, because that’d be disrespecting the years of practice I’ve put into perfecting the arts of “corndoggeration” and “bowl of cerealism,” however, given today’s disappointment at Star Market I can’t help but be a bit beleaguered about my prospects for the next two weeks.

That’s right folks they were all out of corn dogs!!!

This is the same thing that happened to me when we were living in Southie as well. For whatever reason the Southie Stop-n-Shop decided to stop carrying corn dogs, without sending out any sort of email, flyer or voicemail to all of the faithful fans in the greater Southie region. Well, now it’s happened again here in Cambridge. Without warning all of the corn dogs were gone and the closest replacement was something called a “veggie corn dog.” The mere thought of which made me hurl in my mouth a little bit.

So what’s a dude to do when his original grocery plans have suddenly gone awry?!

Beats the heck outta me. I did what I usually end up doing in that type of situation, I let my impulse purchase-addiction take over.

As a result, I went from spending ten minutes at the grocery store to spending nearly an hour and a half just wandering back and forth trying to figure out what would be the best purchases. I meandered up and down the frozen foods aisle like two-hundred and thirteen times. I sauntered back and forth in front of the deli meats long enough that the butcher dude thought I was plotting out an “Ocean’s 11”-inspired caper. It was then that I realized how long I’d been in the grocery store and just started grabbing random, non-corndoggian things.

My final bounty consisted of the following: big can of beef stew, tortilla chips, wavy Lays chips, frozen waffles, bag of shredded cheese, two frozen chimichangas, two very gross frozen pizzas, one bag of frozen pasta, one jar of Ragu pasta sauce, some crappy corn tortillas, one package turkey deli meat, one package hard salami, a bag of tater tots, two cans of chicken to make chicken salad, Mac-n-Cheese and two loaves of buy-one, get-one free Italian bread.

This all led to my getting home and realizing that none of it looked any good. I wanted Chinese food, but I don’t know where there’s any good Chinese food near my place. So then I realized I wanted some tacos or maybe some fried chicken, but I wasn’t in any sort of mood to actually leave my house. So I figured I’d just give it a go with some of the food I’d just purchased.

In the end, I wound up making some crappy little wraps from the awful corn tortillas and some turkey. Then I made the pepperoni pizza and as it turns out it was pretty much awful as well. So now here I sit with a wee-bit of a tummy ache thinking that the odds of my survival in the next two weeks without corndogs and/or eating-out everyday are pretty much nil.

Here’s to hoping I can find a way to survive off of some combination of frozen tater tots, dirt-cheap chimichangas and a big ole can of beef stew.