Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Confessions: Strip Clubs

Strip clubs suck donkey-balls.

Yep, I said it. Someone had to.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t one of those awkward “coming out of the closet via blog” posts. No, no…I won’t be coming out of the closet until Brett Favre decides to formally announce he’s done the same, at which point I shall immediately follow suit.

This also isn’t one of those lame attempts to impress the female readers of my blog by making myself sound like a sensitive, enlightened fellow. I enjoy the splendor of a naked chicky-babe as much as the next dude, I just think strip clubs are outlandishly overrated.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let all ya’ll know that I’ve by no means scoured the ends of the earth in search of naked dancing women. In fact, I can safely say that all of my strip club experiences could be counted on one hand. So clearly I don’t have the greatest cache of experiences to use as reference material here, but it’s my blog and I’ll blog if I want to.

First and foremost I’ve got to admit that the whole ‘paying to see naked chicks dance’ thing isn’t exactly my idea of a good time, for multiple reasons.

1) I’m Dutch. Lord knows I don’t want to part with my money.
2) If I’m going to overpay for a generally disappointing show, I’ll just go to any post-“High Fidelity” John Cusack movie.
3) I kinda know what naked ladies look like at this point in life.

Secondly, in my experiences I’ve seen a total of one…count’em ONE…“dancer” at these places that I would deem attractive. Maybe I’m just a picky guy, who knows, but personally c-section scars and a nice case of Meth-mouth aren’t real big turn-ons.

Thirdly, the whole thing is really sad and depressing. Here’s a bunch of gals who are up on stage flopping around for crusty one dollar bills from a bunch of horny old men blowing their 401Ks and drunk frat boys pissing away their trust-funds. Half of them appear to be drunk or high. The other half look like lifeless robots going through the motions.

I realize there are plenty of good reasons for ladies to be stripping, I’m not chastising them here at all; I am merely making my point that I think strip clubs suck.

Long story short: it’s expensive, it’s lame, and it’s depressing.

So now, I shall sit back and see what type of response this warrants from the vast majority of my male readership.