Friday, December 05, 2008

People I May Heinously Murder (vol. 1)

Slow Walkers

I don’t have a problem with slow walkers…when they’re slow on their own time. Now if they want to saunter along at a snail’s pace in front of me…that’s a problem.

For some reason unknown to me, these people always seem to seek me out. That’s right, they are vindictive…slow…but vindictive nonetheless. The slow walkers get together a few times a month and scout video—taken illegally from those stoplight video cameras the police use—and choose the people they feel will be the most annoyed by their dawdling.

Apparently I fit the bill perfectly. When they see me, they see a man with long legs and a rather lengthy—yet elegant—stride coming and they think to themselves “well by golly, we must get in front of that blatantly charismatic young chap and inch-along like crippled turtles.”

And then they do. The thing is, they don’t do this when there’s a gigantic open hallway or sidewalk. No, no…this type of heinous action is reserved for those select moments when hallways are packed or a sidewalk has plenty of constant traffic in both directions.

In these situations the only way to get around the perpetrators is to do that awkward ass-swing out and around thing and then slip back in right in front of them. You all know what I’m talking about. That thing where you are slipping in front of them just before someone is coming in another direction and your torso stays pretty much in the same spot but everything below the waist gets whipped way out into oncoming traffic and then brought around in a semi-circular motion until you’re just far enough in front of the slow folks that you can resume a normal walking stance and pace.

So I say to you—the Sluggish Sauntering Society of America—watch your leisurely asses, because some day this speedy walkin’ sumbitch is gonna snap when I’m late for a meeting and stuck behind a pack of you folks in a crowded hallway, and I will not be held accountable for what happens to all ya’ll.

You have been warned.

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