Thursday, November 06, 2008

Fool Proof, Never Fail Lottery Tips

I’m a pretty bad gambler.

That might be an understatement. The absolute BEST night of gambling I’ve ever had was when I won $53 on a computerized roulette wheel. My WORST night of gambling ever…I dropped roughly $300 at blackjack, the same roulette wheel, old-lady bingo and a bunch of awful computerized poker machines. Unfortunately more of my gambling adventures have been of the same caliber as the latter scenario.

As such, I’ve taken fewer and fewer trips to casinos since my sophomore year of college and decided that instead I’d do my gambling in the form of buying lottery tickets! I figured that a dollar here and there a few times a week can’t be nearly as bad as dropping hundreds of dollars at a time.

In theory, I was right, but the mental anguish of never winning the lotto is almost as bad, if not worse, than the up-and-down roller coaster of casino gambling. Anyway…being that the Gambling Gods are holding a personal grudge against me, I figured I might as well bestow the rest of you—my faithful blog reader(s)—with my tried and true tips to dominate the lottery.


• If you don't say, "I'm feelin' lucky!" when you buy the ticket, you will lose. And you have to say it like you mean it.

• The more heartwarming your story will be, the more likely you are to win. So you might want to consider cutting off a leg or shooting your dog before buying the ticket.

• Only play when the jackpot reaches $100 million or higher!! You're only going to win once, so don't waste it on some lame $96 million prize. After taxes and a few sweet parties and a butt-load of firecrackers that will leave you with less than $30 million to play with; totally not worth it.

• You're more likely to win if God wants for you to win. And if you still haven't won, it's because you're doing something to piss Him off, so stop it, Sinner!!

• If anyone questions your buying lotto tickets, tell them the money goes to support schools. The same schools that did such a poor job teaching you math that you think this is a good gamble.

• Don't try to put five dollars on red. That's roulette, and the convenience store clerk will have no idea what you're talking about.

• You have about a one in 175 million chance at winning regardless of how many tickets you buy, so don't waste your money by purchasing multiple tickets with the same numbers.

• A fortune cookie's lucky numbers have never resulted in a lotto victory. The running time to "Lucky Numbers" starring Lisa Kudrow and John Travolta has—however—netted dozens of "Daily Three" victories.

• It may seem like setting up a ping-pong ball machine in your living room could help you simulate the winners beforehand, but this tactic only picks the full jackpot number like a third of the time, at best.

• If baby needs a new pair of shoes, don't worry: this ticket's going to come through.

• If you do end up winning, tell the government you'd like to exercise your right to “let it ride” by collecting your winnings in the form of lotto tickets.

• Tell God that if you win you'll give half the money to charity. Then when it happens, say "Sucker!" and buy a giraffe.

• The Powerball is always 19. It's amazing how many people haven't noticed that.

• Instead of buying a lotto ticket a day, put that money in a bank account, then after 10 years, buy 3,500 lotto tickets in one shot. It feels so good to hold that much opportunity.

• If you have trouble conceiving of the prize's size, put it in terms of what's important to you. “The Powerball tonight is $165 million? Well, golly-gee, that'll buy over 30 million pints of cheap bourbon and bottomless nachos at Denny’s!!”

• You should only buy lotto tickets from Korean ladies. They tend to be magical.

• If your ticket doesn't win, go double or nothing. That way, by the time you've been playing for a few years, you'll hold at least $5,000 worth of tickets for each drawing.

• Don't ever let the store pick your numbers at random. If it were any good at picking numbers it wouldn't be a store, it would probably be a rich human.