Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dear Diary (v.3)

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to the final installment of my overnight diary for 2007. In an attempt to keep continuity rolling, I shall refer to this little ditty as volume three…well, okay…it’s not as much for continuity sake as it is a result of my dwindling lack of creativity and humor, damn you old age, you’ve sapped all of my good qualities and replaced them with achy joints, failing bowels and a nagging desire to yell at everyone about their loud, hippy music.

Anywho…back to the third-and-final installment of 2007’s overnight diary. We’ve had some laughs, some rats, some crazy-assed nerds and all-kinds of weird quasi-voodoo stuff in between…yet here we are. It feels like just yesterday I was finishing up an overnight.

Oh wait! It was…



Following the end of the infamous “12-HOUR MARATHON SHIFT” (meant to be read aloud in that movie-trailer voice…you know what I’m talking about)…I made the trek back through the blistery, frozen tundra that was Southie in a blizzard…or Nor’Easter (did I get the apostrophe in the right place?) as you folks out east call it.

Unfortunately by the time I hit Southie the big, fluffy snowflakes had given way to the slightly more bad-ass tiny pellets of ice…or as I’ll forever be referring to them, Jebus bullets. So I spent my mile walk taking itty-bitty ice chunks in the face, one after another after another after another…etc…etc…etc…

When I finally made it home, through the multiple feet of snow and slush that were sitting piled on the sidewalks, and made the very Sherpa-esque climb up our stairs all I wanted to do was sleep. Unfortunately, it dawned on me…I’ve got to do that all over again tomorrow night.

As such, I formulated an incredible (read: probably mildly-retarded) game plan. In said game plan I would stay up as late as humanly possible to ensure that I sleep in as long as humanly possible the next day so that I’d be able to stay up as long as humanly possible Monday night into Tuesday morning into Tuesday afternoon.

Now I realize how horribly that entire paragraph reads out-loud…but realize…that is exactly how it sounded when I thought it at roughly the 29-hour mark on the sleepless scale. It feels like you were really there, doesn’t it?!

So I proceeded with the staying awake. I looked at the internet for a little bit before realizing that I’d been staring at the exact some content on the internet for roughly nine hours and it sorta made me want to throw-up all over Jackie’s bed. Not because I don’t like Jackie…or her bed…or her sheets or any of it really…but because I figured that eventually I’d have to pass out in my bad and when that moment came there would be no time for cleaning up vomit.

Let me stop you right there, Fictional Reader. (By-the-by…my fictional reader for the time being is Stephen King wearing Winnie-the-Pooh footy-pajamas after three Vicodin and two shots of Jag) I know what you’re thinking F.R. Why would I have to puke in anyone’s bed? Wouldn’t it be much more convenient to display my digestive pyros in the toilet? Well pa-shaw, I say to you F.R…when you’ve been up for darn near 30 hours basic logic goes straight out the window and is replaced by a combination of drunken-Frat logic, basic animal instincts and the musical works of mid-‘90s powerhouse, Ace of Base.

Anywho, after the contemplative vomiting…I decided I’d be better served to take a shower and wash off the sleepy. Needless to say, it sorta worked. I felt refreshed, clean and I smelled less like a library than I’d assumed I ever would again. It was darn near magical.

At this point the Patriots were nearing kickoff and I spent a solid chunk of time staring out the window asking myself a few simple questions:

-Where are they going to put all this freakin’ snow?
-Are they really going to play football in this crap?
-Did I remember to put on underwear after my shower?
-Can Jackie and Grace tell that I’m unsure of my current underpants situation?
-Is that my uncle Doug at Dunkin’ Donuts?
-Why is Dough in Boston?
-Why did I just think “Dough” instead of “Doug?”
-Was it because he’s entering a Dunkin’ Donuts?
-Why isn’t it spelled Doughnuts?
-Wait…was that Uncle Doug?
-How long have I been standing at this window?

Yeah…I think you get the gist. This went on for roughly ten to fifteen of—what I can only assume will prove to be—the most wasted moments of my entire lifetime. Oh wait…wait, strike that…I did watch all 95 minutes of Carrot Top’s motion picture debut “Chairman of the Board.” That will forever reign as the most wasted (and painful) moments of my entire life. (Unless they make a sequel and I am coerced into going – most likely by a terrorist faction)

After the window debacle, I settled in on the couch and watched the Patriots lay waste to the Jets in what was honestly one of the more entertaining games I’d seen all year. At halftime I called the family and listened intently doing my best not to fall asleep and I think I did a bang-up job until I hit about the 30-minute mark with my Pappy, or as I like to call him when he has a phone in his hand—Chatty Cathy. It was about then that I started slurring a little bit—not racial slurs, but rather lack of motor skills slurs—at which point he politely decided it was time we end the conversation and I take a nap. I assured him I would…I lied. My plan couldn’t be thwarted by my father playing the “I Care about My Son’s Well-Being Card”…well-played, Old Man, you’ve been a fine adversary, but I shall not slumber until nightfall.

As such, I think I ended up dozing off for all of five minutes as the game came to a close, because I opened my eyes up just in time to see the feed switch from Foxboro to Pittsburgh where the Steelers were getting bitch-slapped by the Jaguars. I spent the next half-hour or so watching the end of the other games and then decided it was time for a little football magic of my own…and perhaps another beer.

Oh yeah…I forgot to mention, that as part of my “I Want to be a Football Fan” kick that I’m currently on…I’ve found that I have a hard time watching a football game without enjoying at bare minimum one beer per quarter. So we’re talking a four-beer per game floor and a 30-beer per game ceiling. Not because that’s all I could physically shove down my throat during one game, but because I’m too Dutch to buy more than one case per game-day. As such, I had four beers through the course of the Pats game and my convo with the family.

Following the game, I started playing some vintage Madden 2004. When I play videogames I require a beverage. I didn’t have any soda or juice in the house, so that left beer. So I played a few hours of Madden and drank some more beers and before I knew it I’d had eight beers and clinched a playoff spot in the AFC. It was a good day for a dude who at this point was just hitting the 36-hour mark on the sleepless scale. On a side-note, in 2004…you could away next to nothing for Brian Westbrook. It was a straight-up steal!!

Honestly, I’m not really sure what I did for the next hour or so while I was waiting for the Sunday Night Football game to come on. Oh wait…yes, yes I do. Yahoo! Answers. F’n Yahoo! Answers!!!

I wandered through the wasteland and wreckage that is YA looking for either some solid baseball discussions or maybe a lively insight into the gridiron battles I’d witnessed. Unfortunately, as is often the case…there was none to be had. This lead me down the dark, dark path that is the Singles and Dating Section or as Jackie refers to it the world’s renewable resource for constant entertainment.

I read some fine insight into the world of mating rituals among the twelve and thirteen-year old population of our country. Apparently the following are all signs of not only potential for courtship, but also true, undying, passionate love:

-Eye Contact
-Verbal Interaction
-Physical Abuse
-Blatant Commentary Regarding Disdain
-Instant Messaging
-Living in the Same Town
-Attending the Same Educational Institution
-Being an Ex
-Being Friends with an Ex
-Being the Ex of a Friend
-Being the Friend of an Ex’s Friend
-Being the Ex of a Friend’s Ex
-Pretty Much Any and All Combinations of the Words “Ex” and “Friend”
-Various Internet Jargon Including—but not limited to: ‘idk’ ‘lol’ ‘plz’ ‘wtf’ ‘bff’ etc…

At some point I’m pretty sure my brain gave up on me and I started to doze at my computer. It was then that I wandered over to the couch with the thought that I could wait out the storm of sleepiness until the game started…wrong.

I woke up with about 10 minutes of “Family Guy” left and Jackie giggling madly. Apparently I’d passed out during a commercial break and Jackie had swiped the remote. My 24 minutes of unconscious bliss had rejuvenated me…wrong, again…and I felt like I could do anything…wrong, yet again. Instead of doing anything…I did nothing and just sat on my ass and watched the Redskins steamroll the Giants. It was a rather sloppy game for both teams.

In fact, let me take a time out to make a comment. I thought about writing a blog about this while watching the game and I still might somewhere down the line—probably after the Giants get eliminated in their Wild Card game or something—but here’s the deal. Eli Manning flat-out sucks. I realize he’s clearly a decent quarterback to have made it into the NFL…but watching him play hurts my soul. He looks like a sad, lost little puppy that should be euthanized, he throws like that uncoordinated kid in your high-school gym class who wore his bathing shorts into the shower all the way through college and he does nothing but piss and moan after every play.

Anywho, as the game drew to a close it was nearing midnight and I figured it was finally time for bed. I sauntered into the bathroom and plucked out my contacts which—given that I’d drunkenly forgotten to take them out two nights before had been in since Friday morning—came out with ease. My eyeballs started throbbing. I didn’t know eyeballs could throb…they can. I’d like Bill Nye to explain that one. Then I wandered into bed and slipped under the covers and…beats me, I was out before I’d pulled the blankets up past my waist.

I woke up at 11am—not too shabby, but not the one or two in the afternoon I was gunning for. So I spent the morning toiling around the house with things like cleaning and vacuuming the living room, showering, shaving and attempting to nap. Unfortunately…I’m not much of a napper and all my napping efforts were in vain.

Eventually Jackie came home and was very much in favor of my plan to bring some pizza into the home. So I ventured out, ordered a large pepperoni pizza from the wonderful people at McGoo’s and a slice to bide my time. The dude then gave me the slice on the house because (and I quote)…“you’re a good customer, Boss.” Which means either I eat too much pizza or it was like a day and a half old or something. Either way, while I waited for the pizza I hit the dollar store and 7-11. At the dollar store I found the usual all-day chaos of people going absolutely ape-shit over shit that does not warrant any level of the “shit scale” let alone going all the way up the scale to “ape-shit”…I mean seriously.

However, when I got to 7-11 I noticed something that ranked well on the “shit scale.” It was a ginormous Rice Krispies Treat!! Now when I say ginormous, I f’n mean ginormous. Sure it’s not a word…but it’s what I mean and I know you’re feeling the vibe too. I intend to try and eat this bad-boy over the course of the overnight shift…although Rice Krispies Treats can be very deceiving. If it’s all light and fluffy—no probs. If it’s all thick and super sticky—mega probs!! Note: There will be pictures of this bad-boy posted in my most recent Facebook photo album – PHOTOLICIOUS VIII.

I spent the remainder of the day eating pizza, drinking caffeinated beverages and doing my best not to use up all the good internet—as to preserve some semblance of time killage for this overnight shift. On the way here I managed to catch a bus, which was intriguing to say the least. I got on the bus and it was just me, the very smiley man at the wheel and the unmistakably odiferous aroma of pot wafting through the bus. Thank God I tucked this acre of Rice Krispies Treat into my bag and out of sight!!

I then spent roughly 20 minutes stuck on the subway at Park Street. It was one of those fun situations where traffic is stopped at the station in either direction and the dude raining the train simply says “we’re going to be standing by for a few minutes” and then outside the car the subway dudes and chicks are freaking out. You have to wonder…is it a bomb threat? Did someone jump on the tracks? Is Carlos Santana in the car behind me? Am I wearing underwear? What type of underwear do you suppose Carlos Santana wears? (My bet is that he’s a boxers guy)

In the end, I received no answer to any of these questions (oh…except the underwear one…yes, yes I am)…

That pretty much brings us up to the present. I’m here. I’m at the desk. The library is pretty quiet. Much quieter than this time during the Sat/Sun shift and I’ve got two pounds worth of Rice Krispies and marshmallow taunting me.

…let the games begin.

Tuesday – 12:11am

So, some freaky nerd dude just asked about my Rice Krispies Treat. This isn’t a real big shocker, because come on…who wouldn’t ask about this thing. However, it got awkward really fast. Here’s the run-down:

*Freaky Nerd Dude sees Rice Krispies Treat behind the desk*
Freaky Nerd Dude: Is that a giant Rice Krispies Treat?
Captain Charisma: Why yes, yes it is.
Freaky Nerd Dude: Where do you find something like that?
Captain Charisma: At 7-11.
Freaky Nerd Dude: Really?
Captain Charisma: Yeppers…
Freaky Nerd Dude: Can I see it?
Captain Charisma: Um…sure?!
*Grabs it and holds it for him to see up-close*
Freaky Nerd Dude: No…I mean, can I hold it.
Captian Charisma: Um…sure?!
*Hands Freaky Nerd Dude the Rice Krispies Treat*
Captain Charisma: Pretty hefty Rice Krispy bar, huh?
Freaky Nerd Dude: Yeah…can I have it?
Captain Charisma: What?
Freaky Nerd Dude: Not like to eat, but to go show my friends.
Captain Charisma: Nah…I think I’ll hang onto it, they can see it when you guys leave.
Freaky Nerd Dude: Oh they’re not here.
Captain Charisma: Huh?!
Freaky Nerd Dude: They live in Boston.
*Note: Freaky Nerd Dude has been staring lustfully at the Krispy bar*
Captain Charisma: Riiiiiiight…I’m gonna need that back now.
*Forcibly removes Krispy bar from Freaky Nerd Dude’s hands*
Captain Charisma: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Freaky Nerd Dude: Not anymore…
* Freaky Nerd Dude sits at a computer and stares at me in between—what I’m assuming is—typing about me to his buddies.*

At this point, I’m just a little creeped out. I’m pretty sure that dude wanted to get busy with my Rice Krispies Treat. And although I’m a large proponent of people getting it on in the library and of nerds making progress into the sexual realm…there is still the one very awkward fact that Freaky Nerd Dude wanted to bang my midnight snack. This might require therapy…

Door Count – 12:30am – 38 People (40 less than Sat/Sun Night)

Tuesday – 12:45am

I’ve decided now is the time to rip into the Rice Krispies Treat, if for no better reason than to let Freaky Nerd Dude know that his potential bedmate is now off the market.

Tuesday – 12:53am

Okay…that’s weird. Apparently, all I had to do was start tearing into this brick of Krispy bar and Freaky Nerd Dude would have left like 45 minutes ago. As soon as I ripped into it like the ravenous wolverine that I am he just got up and left. That’s right Freaky Nerd Dude, this Krispy bar is spoken for!

Tuesday – 12:55am

Oh and it’s a thick, super-chewy, super-sticky brick-o-Krispy…which means this could be some slow going.

Tuesday – 1:14am

I forgot how much I actually liked the flavor of some energy drinks. I just had a Full Throttle; probably the first one I’ve had in like six or seven months and it rocked my world.

You see, most energy drinks have this weird super syrupy, super sweet acidic taste to them. It’s like a cross between Smarties candies and cough syrup. However, some of them are downright delicious. Rockstar set the bar with their Guava concoction, but then set it even higher with the new Rockstar Fruit Punch. That stuff is awesome. It tastes like Juicy-Juice, but with a serious kick in the ass.

Door Count – 1:30am – 29 People (12 less than Sat/Sun Night)

Tuesday – 1:42am

Maybe I shouldn’t have run Freaky Nerd Dude off by messing with his would-be maiden-conquest. Now that he’s gone things are pretty quiet. Tonight’s partner-in-crime, Jennifer is reading her book right now. The few people we have are scattered far-and-wide, mostly wide except for a dude in the study room (whom I’m sure you’ll be hearing about later) and this chick who’s passed out at one of the desks. Her iPod is sorta hanging there taunting me. I’ve already walked up to where she’s sleeping and put three “I Could Have Been a Thief” cards on her iPod. I’m pretty sure she’ll get the subtle-hint I’m leaving.

Tuesday – 2:06am

I’m just sitting here and I can’t help but think about how much I hated “Chairman of the Board.” F’n Carrot Top.

Tuesday – 2:19am

I feel like I’ve eaten a lot of this Rice Krispies Treat…no, no I haven’t. I’ve barely made a dent. Good thing Freaky Nerd Dude isn’t here. He’d probably give me some big speech about how he could treat my Rice Krispy bar better than I ever will and how he’d never nibble it and leave it alone. How he could makes all its dreams come true. No…no wait…I’m just channeling “Grey’s Anatomy” again. Why does that always happen to me?!

Door Count – 2:30am – 12 People (11 less than Sat/Sun Night)

Tuesday – 2:35am

Other Things I’ve Counted Thus Far…

-Empty Red Bull cans strewn about the library – 9
-Loose change I’ve found on campus since midnight – 23 cents
-Chicks in the library – 2
-Number of times the dude in the Study Room has farted because he errantly thinks it’s soundproof – 4
-Number of comments I’ve received about the Rice Krispies Treat – 7
-Conscious people in the library – 5

Tuesday – 2:42am

…Carlos Santana’s undwear?! What the hell?!

Tuesday – 2:58am

When I talk…I tend to be very animated. Like my hands are flailing to and fro and my using my whole body as one gigantic audio-visual enhancement device. That’s not too weird. Dare I say, it’s even quite common. Do most people may not do the Macarena when talking about the West Minster Kennel Club Dog Show…but whatevs…hand motions are quite common when talking.

Why am I ranting you ask? Well Fictional Reader I’m glad you asked. (Oh…at this point my Fictional Reader is being played by my current celeb crush of the moment, Miss Amy Adams of “Enchanted”…ironically enough as my F.R. she is currently wearing her princess gown from the aforementioned Disney blockbuster)

Well—my new ridiculously more attractive Fictional Reader—I’m ranting about my speaking habits and the add-on physical habits that accompany them because of this creepy dude who is doing all of the same things…but whilst reading from his laptop. He’s sitting alone in a nice, comfy chair and rather than reading like a normal person he’s flipping his hands in all directions like he’s Jackie Chan or something. Kinda freakin’ me out.

Tuesday – 3:16am

Ah yes, it has hit that point in the evening where suddenly it feels really cold in here. It is for this reason that I always wear long-sleeves when doing overnight shifts. I don’t know if it’s all mental or if the heat really dips in the middle of the night. Either way…it’s shiver time.

Tuesday – 3:21am

Not that I’m one to judge, but some chicka looks a bit like a mess right now. Her multi-colored hair is going off in all-kinds of different directions and is doing that whole poofy bed-head thing that people normally spend 45 minutes trying to duplicate post-shower, she’s in her jammies and socks and she’s sleepily wandering around the library…I’m going to assume in search of the potty. Although…GREAT NEWS…she’s not an idiot and she’s actually taking her laptop with her. Now that’s a smart gal…a freaky gal…but a smart one nonetheless.

Door Count – 3:30am – 12 People (2 less than Sat/Sun Night)

Tuesday – 3:48am

You know how you can tell a place is too quiet.

When some chick all the way at the other end of the library coughs under her breath, but it’s still enough to make the three dudes within eyeshot (Eyeshot?! Is that a thing?!) all look up and over in that general direction. That right there is when you know it’s too f’n quiet.

Tuesday – 4:02am

Things are rolling right along for the time being. Again, things are very, very, very quiet in here tonight. I think that after the 4:30 head count, I might do some shelving to keep the body moving. I feeling like I’m getting to the point where if I sit around I’ll start to get sleepy; which is by far the worst portion of the night. Regular sleepy sucks enough and super tired blows…but sitting = unconscious stage really sucks the llama’s gonads. Nothing worse than not being able to sit and read about baseball without finding your face planted on the keyboard and no recollection of how it got there.

Tuesday – 4:18am

One of my favorite parts of writing blogs is choosing the pictures that I put with them…for those of you reading this on MySpace you’re getting screwed, because I can’t ever get the photos to format, so all you get is text, sorry…as such, I just spent roughly fifteen minutes scouring the internet for nerd pictures.

As anyone who has read my blogs will tell you, I don’t like to reuse pictures. This is why if I write a blog about Johan Santana, there will always be a new picture of Johan Santana. No one wants a repeat. I’m not running an amateur hour here…when it comes to blogging (a legit verb and I don’t know why Word is disagreeing with me – f’n red squiggly underline drives me nuts) I’m all about keeping it fresh, both in text and in visual aids.

Tuesday – 4:26am

This Rice Krispy bar is kicking my ass. I greatly overvalued my ability to pack this thing away. I had intended to take photos to show my progression through the night, but at this juncture I can only assume it would be embarrassing for me and my family…and I’d prefer not to be disowned just before the holidays.

Door Count – 4:30am – 9 People (2 less than Sat/Sun Night)

Tuesday – 4:34am

You know…while I was making the rounds and counting heads it dawned on me, this is one really scary f’n library.

I was in the basement and the janitorial staff had apparently unlocked a door to get to the document services office…and had forgotten to close it all the way (or any of the subsequent doors beyond it) and while I was walking I heard all-kinds of crazy rustling sounds and what sounded like howling. As one might expect a brotha to do when he hears those sounds at 4:30 in the morning in abandoned basement of a desolate, barren library…I squeaked like a field-mouse and started to bolt. Then I remembered that in addition to the fact that I’m (allegedly) a grown-up at the ripe-old age of 24, I’m also a big manly dude with a reputation to protect.

Okay that last part is a bit of a stretch…but you get the drift.

So I wander up to the door and kick it in, under the assumption that if there’s an axe-wielding maniac on the other side of it that’ll knock him down long enough for me do the one thing no one in a horror movie ever does correctly…GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. Luckily, there was no one there and all I’d done is bang the door up against some filing cabinets or something. Whatevs…it’ll be our little secret.

That was when I noticed all of the other doors were still open and/or unlocked as well. So I fixed that little problem before thinking to myself…what if it’s not an axe-wielding maniac that’s hanging out back here, but rather it’s a ghost. Some kind of pissed off poltergeist who blew his brains out in the basement of library when he got his first A- and didn’t know how to cope. Just as that thought was entering my mind…a whole stack of papers blew around and I freaked and ran like a small, frightened dog with my tail between my legs all the way back upstairs to the circulation desk.

Call me crazy, but even with overtime…I ain’t getting paid enough to fight ghosts!!

…at least not alone. No, if I’m going to fight a ghost, I’m going to give my boys a jingle and we’ll do it like we used to back in the ‘80s.

Tuesday – 4:42am

Okay…now Homie’s getting pretty bored. I think I’m going to go do me some shelving of the all-important books. I’ll check in with you peeps at the next head count.

Door Count – 5:30am – 4 People (1 MORE than Sat/Sun Night)

Tuesday – 5:38am

And just like that we’ve hit the dwindling point in the evening/morning. Four people – two asleep. There was, however, a table-full of my pet peeve sitting upstairs. What’s my pet peeve you ask Fictional Reader? (Now my Fictional Reader is Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV…but only during the training montage…oh and he’s wearing a pair of green and orange zebra-striped Zubaz pants) Well F.R., since you asked so nicely…I’ll let you in on this pet peeve. You see it really bothers me when people are stupid with their things; especially when their things cost a lot of money.

Case in point: upstairs right now is a table that has an expensive laptop, two flashdrives, a cell-phone, a bunch of text books and a case of Red Bull…all just sitting there for the taking. In fact, the dumb-ass who left all of their belongings was also nice enough to leave their bag, thus giving any and all potential thieves an easy way to carry off the aforementioned belongings with much easy and little suspicion.

I guess I just don’t get how someone can be so stupid. Maybe they think I’m here to play babysitter to their shit, but it turns out, I’m not. I don’t know who’s got what, especially not if they’re sitting upstairs. Furthermore, I really don’t give a gigantic, amphibious rat’s ass if their shit gets stolen if they’re going to be so stupid about it. If someone walks past me with a laptop, I’m going to assume it’s theirs. I’m not going to stop them and ask for proof…so if anyone is reading this now and you want a laptop…there’s a good chance it’s still there. Come on over and swipe that sumbitch.

Tuesday – 5:56am

I wonder if Grace is still up writing her paper?
I wonder if Jackie is still reading Yahoo Answers?
I wonder if anyone would notice if I took that laptop and slipped out the backdoor to my cube, tucked it safely in my desk and then came back all under the guise of a prolonged, Rice Krispies Treat-related restroom visit?
I wonder why the same guy has called three times to ask if we were still open so he could come check out a book?

Tuesday – 6:13am

Two new people have just entered the library. All hell is officially breaking loose as we drawer nearer to the second-to-last head count of the night/morning. I don’t know about all-you-all, but I’m getting pretty pumped. Granted once this shift is over, instead of going home and passing out like I think I’m REALLY going to want to do…I get to go work a nine hour day. Pffffffft. Csssssssst. Whatevs…I’ll be good to go.

Tuesday – 6:27am

Just wrote a new Top Five People I Hate Right Now blog; one of my favorites to write. I’ll let all-you-all guess who’s at the top. It’s a really big surprise. Oh look at that…the sun is starting to come up. Nice.

Door Count – 6:30am – 4 People (2 MORE than Sat/Sun Night)

Tuesday – 6:40am

Just to make a note, Ms. Laura McWilliams (she of Saturday’s encounter with the amphibious rat) is at work. Perhaps she does not have a working clock or perhaps she doesn’t believe in daylight savings time and, as such, is under the guise that it is currently 7:40…which would still make her an hour and twenty minutes early. Well the sun is roughly 1/3 of the way up now, perhaps she is the owner of a rooster with better than 20/20 vision?! That would make for a solid explanation, right?!

Tuesday – 6:54am

Alrighty, ladies and gentlemen…I’m breaking down now. It’s time for me to bust out my secondary energy drink. I’d also like to take this moment to admit an overwhelming defeat to the Super Rice Krispies Treat. That hunk-o-Krispy is far more than I could handle. I may have to get a team of people together to take this thing down. Or I could just try to hunt down Freaky Nerd Dude and let him have his moment of coitial bliss with the aforementioned interest of his desires…nah.

Tuesday – 7:14am


TeeHee TeeHee

Tuesday – 7:19am

The phone just rang.

I think I peed my pants.

Needless to say, it caught me a little off-guard. :-/

Door Count – 7:30am – 12 People (11 MORE than Sat/Sun Night)

Tuesday – 7:40am

I’ve gotta be honest, I’m quite impressed with how untired I am. Given that I was up for 41 hours and then slept for like 11 hours, bouncing right back and pulling another all-nighter followed by a dayshift should be more of a struggle, but I think I’m going to be okay. Sure that might be a bit presumptuous given how quickly a crash can come on…but whatevs, I’m riding the wave now.

Tuesday – 7:42am

Soooo tiiiiirrrred!!

…just kidding.

Tuesday – 7:48am

Jennifer has left the building. She was a fine overnight tag-team partner and I wish her many bountiful hours of slumber. It is time for me to gather my things, wait for the okay from Dan and then wander over to Barker where I can proceed to spend the first half-hour or so of my day working on posting this guy on all my blogs. Aw yeah!

Tuesday – 8:00am

Graves, out!

Top Five People I Hate Right Now

I’ve done this post a time or two in the past, but like most top [insert number of choice] lists, my opinions change. Granted, the dude at the top never tends to change, but whatevs. Here they are without further ado…the top five people, I hate right now.


This one is a shout-out to the dude who looks oddly like former World Heavyweight Champion, Evander Holyfield. This summer we busted this dude for swiping a cell-phone in the library and he more-or-less gave up the fact that he was our oft-elusive laptop thief as well. So after we sent him to the slammer following the cell-phone incident, I assumed I’d seen the last of him. Then he slipped into the library near the end of the summer and made off with someone’s laptop yet again. The coppers were called and in traditional MIT security fashion, took about fifteen minutes to show up and believe it or not…he was long gone. I saw him about a week and a half ago. He was contemplating coming into the library and our eyes met. He then bolted. He remembers who put him behind bars…well okay, that part was the cops; but he remembers who sat in the cop car and identified him during a slow drive-by and then was parked far enough away so that he couldn’t come and kill me if he broke away from the cops…yeah, that one was this guy! Welcome to the list Laptop Thief…let’s see you try and take another laptop on my watch!


I know, I know…how can a dude put a website on his top five list of people he hates. Well it’s simple, right now I really hate Amazon and it’s my list. Do I really anything more than that?! Amazon promised me free super saver shipping and said that it would get my presents to Iowa with plenty of time to spare until Christmas. I was super pumped. Having just dropped $100 or so on gifts, it was nice not to have to kick in another $30 or more on shipping. Then I went to check the status of my order and Amazon said my gifts would arrive January 2nd. Needless to say, that’s not Christmas and it sure as hell ain’t “plenty of time to spare until Christmas.” So I had to switch my order and get the shipping, which meant that I had to cancel some of the items in my order because they wouldn’t be ready to ship in time, so now I’m not done with my Christmas shopping and I didn’t get my free shipping. Welcome to the list Amazon.


This is Eli’s first appearance on my top five for hatred and if I continue to watch Giants games it definitely won’t be his last appearance. Every time I watch Eli Manning “play” football it makes me think of a new born deer. The deer pops out and immediately is in over his head. His mama did her part by carrying him and nurturing him and getting him traded to the Giants when San Diego wasn’t deemed good enough…but now it’s up to the uncoordinated deer to stand up and walk, ideally run. Unfortunately, Eli—despite being a starting quarterback in the NFL for three and a half seasons—still appears to be in the stage where he trips over his own feet and can’t get his ass off the ground; it’s high-time to take him out back and put him down.


Now, Bud’s made the list before…mostly because he reeks of douche-baggery. His entire tenure as commissioner of Major League Baseball has been awful; whether it was the players juicing under his nose…and for the most part…in front of his nose, the labor strike in 1994, the refusal to honor Barry Bond’s breaking of Hank Aaron’s home run record, his attempts to contract the Twins and Expos or his ridiculous league realignment plan. Now the entire “steroid scandal” has blown up with the publishing of the Mitchell Report and the one thing that fans and critics need most is for Selig to come out and apologize for allowing this to happen on his watch, but knowing old Bud that’ll never happen. He’ll shift the gears and try to find a way to make it the players fault or the fan’s fault or maybe it’ll be Barry Bonds who was behind it all. Whatever he cooks up, it’ll stink and it’ll keep him in the top five for the foreseeable future.


I honestly can’t think of anything that could knock this douche-bag out of the top spot in this category. Everything about him screams “HATE ME!!!” All of it, from his stupid ass red-hair (note: I don’t hate all red-heads…I’m very selective with my hate), his lame-ass commercials, the fact that he is a “comedian” who is absolutely not funny in the slightest or the fact that he has already made money that me and all of my friends and family will combined throughout the rest of our lives. For that you retain the top spot once again…congrats you sack-o-horsecrap.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Dear Diary (v.2:pt.3)

Part 3 of my first overnight shift...


Sunday – 1:23am

My legs are all jittery so this second-wind is working out great. Part of me thinks this would be the right time to go shelve a couple carts of books and part of me thinks that it would be a waste to do that while I’m still awake. That’s the crap I save for 3 to 5 when I’m struggling not to pass out.

This place is super freakin’ quiet. I just sneezed and I’m pretty that this chick on the other end of the library crapped her pants because she jumped like 16 feet in the air and squeaked.

Side-note: Between the No Doze and two energy drinks, my pee is neon yellow. You’re welcome.

Door Count #4 – 1:30am – 41 People

Sunday – 1:43am

It just dawned on me that I could slay a nerd very easily right now. They’re all sitting off by themselves with their noses buried in their laptops. All a brotha needs is some chloroform and piano wire and he’d be set.

Sunday – 1:56am

I’m fighting the urge to slam an energy drink. I don’t know if I really need it yet and I don’t want to stick it in my system before I’m in need, otherwise it’s more or less overkill.

This dude is picking his nose like there’s no tomorrow. I don’t know if he finds it stimulates his cerebral cortex or what the dealio may be, but he’s really going to town. I don’t think he knows that I can see him, but let’s be honest at this point I’m pretty much just gawking at him tourist-style. I hope his efforts bring him comfort and joy.

Door Count #5 – 2:30am – 25 people

Sunday – 2:32am

I don’t know if I’m so much pro-New Year’s Resolution. I like the idea of people trying to do something to better themselves; but if it’s something stupid—like a diet that’s going to last three weeks—then I’m not really all about it. That’s why every year I give myself the same Resolution…granted I simply refer to it as my goal for the upcoming year. Every year I plan to be a little bit less of a douche-bag than I was the year before. That way by the time I’m on my deathbed (in about 20 years – if I’m lucky) I’ll have received default sainthood status and I get a straight shot to whichever mythical post-death paradise I choose.

Sunday – 3:14am

I just finished “Moneyball”…aw yeah! It only took me three months…to read a three-hundred page book. Perhaps I’m illiterate and just unaware of it. I think I’m going to put that on my list of things to ponder.

Door Count #6 – 3:30am – 14 People

Sunday – 3:34am

There it is! I just got kicked in the face with a big rush of “holy shit I’m tired.” It’s probably time to go shelve some books and then chug an energy drink. Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot to report on tonight—yet.

Door Count #7 – 4:30am – 10 People

Sunday – 4:35am

I don’t get why more people aren’t hooking up here. Sure they’re all kinda nerdy and socially awkward, but let’s be honest here folks. It’s 4:30 in the morning. Of the 10 people here, at best, half are still conscious. Ironically enough, the dude-to-chick ratio is even at five a piece. So that leaves the option of a crazy-ass nerd orgy…which is making me a little queasy just thinking about it…or they could simply pair off based on the subject they study, the type of laptop they own or perhaps simply on proximity. Whatevs. It’s late enough and “The Enforcer” and I are only wandering around once every hour to make the count.

Honestly, if a couple of nerds wanna get busy this is the time to do it.

1) It’s a cool story.
2) I don’t give a violent, amphibious rat’s ass.
3) It’s a great stress buster.
4) Have I mentioned that it’s 4:30 in the morning?!

Sunday – 4:43am

I just opened this package of cookies I bought at the market and I’ve been super excited for. They’re hard as a rock. I’m all-kinds of disappointed right now. *sigh* As such, I finally broke down and cracked open a Rockstar. Let’s see how that treats me. I think it’s time to start filling out Christmas cards.

Sunday – 4:59am

Just to make this known…the licky-part of the envelopes from Shoebox greeting cards…DELISH!!! MMMMMMMMMM!!!

Door Count #8 – 5:30am – 3 People

Sunday – 5:57am

I just got my Christmas cards all taken care of, booyah!! I don’t really do the whole Christmas card thing usually, but they were on sale and I’m Dutch. It was a match made in heaven.

Sunday – 6:17am

Not much to report. One dude who was watching YouTube videos for the last two hours finally decided to pack up and call it quits. One of the two others who remain has been watching soccer for nearly three hours and when he’s not watching the soccer, he’s wandering away and leaving his laptop unattended. I think I want to just straight up steal the laptop to show him I mean business…that and I think my Mama would appreciate a fine IBM laptop for Christmas!

Door Count #9 – 6:30am – 2 People

Sunday – 7:07am

Okay, I’ve officially hit the 24 hour mark. I’m feeling pretty groggy now, but I’m holding tough. I spent the better part of the last hour shelving, which was good because I’m going to be going into full body coma mode in the next half-hour or so and then anything beyond typing and basic bodily functions is out the window. Three hours left and then I’m a free man; although there is a blizzard outside, which just might complicate my voyage back to Southie. I guess we’ll have to see how that one plays out.

Sunday – 7:16am

It appears as though “The Enforcer” is slipping. He keeps moving from one comfy chair to the next until it seems that he’s about to pass out and then he gets up and walks around a little more, curses under his breath, checks the time on his cell-phone and heads for another chair. Wait…eyes are closed. I think he’s out. Its okay “Enforcer” I’ve got your back!

So I think I’m a lil sleepy too. While I was shelving I heard someone snoring and realized it was me. Apparently, I was just standing there leaning against the stacks and holding a book and either passed out momentarily or my body went ahead and went into sleep mode without letting my brain know it was time to shutdown. Either way, a little awkward.

Door Count #10 – 7:30am – 1 Person

Sunday – 7:31am

Just so everyone knows, two people are being paid practically double-time to keep a library open for one dude, who (much like my right-hand man Greg Padilla) is passed out. I love this job!!

Sunday – 7:44am

The lone dude just left. We are sitting in an empty library; although the idiot left his laptop…because he’s an idiot. So I think he’s coming back. On a side-note, Padilla is unconscious. The blizzard is going like crazy and I’m still rolling in the energy department which is great. It is unfortunate that the whacky-instances that I’ve come to love about overnights have been pretty much nil this time through :-(

Door Count #11 – 8:30am – 0 People

Sunday – 8:50am

Things are looking up; we’ve got three people back in here. Apparently the blizzard isn’t scary enough to keep people away. However, it may be bad enough that my esteemed-colleague Ms. Carol Frederick cannot make it in to work the desk at Barker. If such an instance were to occur…I’m the first contact on the snow emergency list. That means that in lieu of going home and slumbering, I’d stick around here and work from 1-7. Let’s see how that pans out…

Door Count #12 – 9:30am – 7 People

Sunday – 10:04am

I am seemingly a free man. I have yet to hear anything about me needing to cover for Carol…so I think maybe I’ll get while the getting is good.

Dear Diary (v.2:pt.2)

Part 2 of volume 2 picks up on my return to my cube after snagging some food. If you have yet to read part 1...now would be a wise time to do so for chronological purposes of course.


Saturday – 8:54pm

That was quite refreshing. The gym was super empty and I even got to kick it in the sauna. Which was just dandy until some dude came in and was all like flopping his man-parts right in front of me while drying off from his shower?! Quite the odd way to dry off…by going into a sweat box, but hey who am I to judge?!

I snagged a big, greasy slice of pepperoni pizza which was delicious. I did, however, have to stand at the counter for 10 minutes waiting for service while the chickadee behind the register was chit-chatting on her cell-phone. Some other friendly young woman beside me had been waiting for her order for nearly 20 minutes and was getting quite steamed. As such, I asked what she had ordered that was taking so long…apparently she had ordered a grilled cheese sammitch. That’s right, a grilled cheese. Two pieces of bread. Cheese. Butter. Heat. Done. Period. It takes like 3 minutes to make a grilled cheese and this lovely young co-ed had been waiting for 20 minutes. I recommended that she give them a piece of her mind. Little did I know that she was bat-shit crazy. As I was walking away with my pizza she started screaming like a straight-up whack-job and threatened to go in the back and make the sammitch herself. I didn’t stick around to see how all that worked out, but I’m pretty sure she got her grilled cheese.

While eating my pizza I watched as a literal parade of MIT students walked up to a set of locked doors, with the hours of operation written on them and all took their turn yanking and pulling on the locked doors confused out of their minds as to why they couldn’t get in. It makes me happy to know that it doesn’t just happen at the libraries.

After I’d finished my pizza I went to get some overnight reserves. A cold sammitch, two energy drinks, some orange juice and cookies. I also got a sub that was ridiculously awful For the first time in my life I wasn’t able to finish a sammitch. It was that bad. I only got 3/4 of it down before I was worried I’d start to hurl if I ate anymore. When I can’t finish it…that’s when you know you’ve made a bad sammitch. Although given some of the alternatives (see: picture) in the market it was probably a fine decision.

Now here I sit, with roughly one hour left until the overnight shift officially starts and I can feel a little case of the sleepy-sleep hanging out back behind my eyes…but I’m hanging in there.

Saturday – 9:25pm

Huh…it’s National Cupcake Day! How ‘bout that?!

Door Count #1 – 10:30 – 99 people

Saturday – 10:39pm

Okay then, I’m less than an hour into the actual “overnight” portion of my day and I’m super tired. That can’t be a good sign. I popped a couple of No Doze about an hour ago and noticed no positive reaction. Holy crap, that dude has awful facial hair…I realize that’s one heck of a statement coming from a dude who looks like a prepubescent hormonally imbalanced freak thanks to this weird, patchy Abraham Lincoln thing I got going on…but whatevs. It’s some awful facial hair.

Saturday – 10:58pm

Two nerds were just arguing about batteries. They went back and forth about who could get them cheaper. In the end nerd one was begging nerd two to bring back a suitcase full of AA batteries from Los Angeles after Christmas Break.

Literally, begging. ‘Tis a sad, sad thing to watch.

Saturday – 11:09pm

Aw suki suki!! The first real incident of the evening has taken place…some dude was looking at something, probably porn—let’s be honest, and f’d up the computer. It started playing loud music and the dude grabbed his shit and bolted for the door, but not before yanking out the cable for the monitor so no one could see what he was looking at. Unfortunately, some would-be do-gooder went ahead and turned the computer off to kill the annoying music before we could plug the monitor back in and see just what that dude’s website of choice was for the evening. Hot damn, things are heating up!

Saturday – 11:23pm

Oh when it rains it pours baby! Some dude who didn’t have his MIT ID just came in. Once we switch to overnight hours you need your MIT ID to get in…otherwise you get booted. This dude just vultured the door and slipped in when someone else was leaving and then Greg “The Enforcer” Padilla, my partner-in-crime for this evening’s festivities, was on him like grease on a Big Mac, which is to say all-up-in his grill. The dude tweaked out—and probably justifiably so—and went as far as to use the phrase “it’s just a fucking library!” It is great stuff, however, “The Enforcer” wasn’t having it and showed that punk to the door.

PS: Still really sleep with 10 and a half hours left! :-/

Door Count #2 – 11:30pm – 102 people

Saturday – 11:37pm

I used my Microsoft Paint prowess to put myself in a picture with my newest celebrity crush, Amy Adams and in a picture with my two lovely blonde heroes Veronica Mars and Cheerleader. :-)

Sunday – 12:10am

So apparently Miriam-Webster chose “w00t” as the word of the year. There are so many feelings a dude could have about that such as IDK or WTF…however, much like w00t those aren’t real words either and as such one would assume unworthy of being voted the “word” of the year.

So I’ve started like six blogs at various points today ranging from baseball to my ultimate Christmas wish list to the top seven most despicable things I’d do for $5 million. Unfortunately, I haven’t found the ambition to finish any of them. Although I do still have a solid ten hours or so of work left. Perhaps I’ll find some ambition in the wee-hours of the morning.

Door Count #3 – 12:30am – 78 People

Sunday – 12:52am

Okay, I’m getting a wonderful rush right now that I’m assuming is my second-wind. Usually during an overnight I get anywhere from four to sixteen “second-winds” so it should be intriguing to see how long this one lasts.

We lost a lot of people in the last hour or so. Oh wait…wait, here comes a nerd now. He’s making direct eye-contact…its question time, baby!

Sunday – 1:06am

Ah yes! Nerdy McSpectacles just lived up to my expectations with his question. Let me give you a play-by-play of our brief, yet magical, encounter.

Nerd: Hi, sir…can I ask you a question.
Me: Sure, what’s up?
Nerd: I was wondering if you have any more study rooms.
Me: Nope, I’m pretty sure it’s just those two.
Nerd: You’re sure.
Me: Like 99% sure.
Nerd: Is there an office in the back that I could work in?
Me: Um…no, those are kinda just for the staff.
Nerd: *nervously wringing hands together* Oh…
Me: Is there a problem?
Nerd: Well, I have problems with other people being around me when I study.
Me: Okay?!
Nerd: So I like to lock myself in a small room where no one can sneak up on me.
Me: Sneak up on you?! Why would someone be sneaking up on you?!
Nerd: Who knows?!
Me: Riiiiiiiiight. Perhaps the library isn’t the best place for you then?
Nerd: No, I think I’ll go back to my dorm room.
Me: Okay…have a good one.

…you can’t make that shit up!! I love this place!


Dear Diary (v.2:pt.1)

For those who are unaware of what my "Dear Diary" blogs consist of let me sum it up for you. Every semester during Finals Week, one of the libraries on campus stays open 24/7 and as such is in need of folks to keep the place running (more or less).

I am all about this, partially because of the gigantic paycheck that comes from working a ton of extra hours in the middle of the night and partially as a way to test my body's endurance. Plus it makes great fodder for blog stories, which is pretty key.

The first official Dear Diary blog came during my overnight shift this past spring, as such this is volume 2. I'll be splitting it into parts because I began to chronicle my events from when I woke up on Saturday morning and I plan to continue doing so until I pass out sometime tomorrow...

So without further ado, here comes part one of volume two. Don't expect much excitement until the latter portion of the day when the dire need for sleep kicks in.


Saturday – 7:00am

Slowly waking up. My belly hurts and my eyes hurt. Turns out that I forgot to take out my contacts last night. In addition, my wonderful idea to stop and get the sampler platter at Characters (the bar that I—ironically enough—hit up before my overnight shift back in the spring too) turned out to be an awful idea. I have a belly full of awful, disgusting greasy food to go with all the beer from last night’s adventure at the Muddy. Ugh.

Saturday – 9:20am

Okay, feeling better. Showered and shaved and whatnot. Eyes aren’t all wonky anymore, so that’s a good sign. It’s now time to pack for the overnight; much like a slumber party (although minus any sleeping or makeovers) it is essential to have all the right gear. As such I load my bag up with the following: the book “Moneyball” which I’ve been quasi-reading for the better part of three months, my most recent editions of “The Sporting News” and “ESPN: The Magazine,” a one pound bag of M&Ms, a bag of beef jerky, my cellphone charger, my camera and my Twins cap. Any further necessities will be procured in the four hour window between the end of my afternoon shift and the beginning of my overnight shift.

Saturday – 10:00am

The ladies have already busted out the laptops to continue their marathon paper-writing session. Jackie, however, is already knee-deep in the first breakdown of the day and is reading awful questions from Yahoo! Answers at a rather dizzying pace. Grace on the other hand is taking this opportunity to light candles, sweep crumbs off the counter, contemplating the disarray in which our apartment currently resides…all as outlets for homework avoidance. I decide I should hit the road before the madness wears off…I can’t be dipping my toes in the crazy pond when I’ve get a bare minimum of 24 hours standing between me and the blissful state of unconsciousness.

PS: Unconsciousness is not an easy word to spell.

Saturday – 10:35am

I’m at work and going through my pre-work festivities of turning on the lights and whatnot and what do I see? Well it would appear to be a nerd so desperate to get into the library to study they he is passed out on the bench in the lobby. We don’t open until 1pm. It seems to me that all this time he’s wasting camping out and napping in our lobby could be better used for studying.

In fact, this is a good time for me to make a little confession about these overnight shifts. That confession is this…I don’t really get it. I don’t get why we need to be open 24 hours a day during finals and I sometimes don’t get why I need to be there (other than the monster paycheck) either because the reality of it is 95% of the people who are in the library to study aren’t using any of the library materials. They aren’t getting books off the shelves, they aren’t using our computers and they sure as hell aren’t asking me to give them any reference help. They sit on their laptops and they read from their textbooks. Couldn’t that be done in their dorm rooms or apartments?! But I digress…mostly because I enjoy the gigantic paycheck that comes from babysitting nerds.

Saturday – 11:00am

All the lights are flipped on and this library is ready to open. Now I’ve got two hours to kill; time to go watch some volleyball. Darcy and Lisa are playing on the MIT volleyball team over in the gym and there’s a pretty big tournament going down…so I’m going to go root them on and probably grab a bite to eat.

Saturday – 12:47pm

That was a good time. I saw some solid volleyball action and I may have found a brand new appreciation for the entire spandex industry. In addition, I’ve got a jumbo hot dog, a Red Bull, a Gatorade and a quart of water in me and I’m feeling pretty solid right now; time to open the library.

Saturday – 1:03pm

The library is open, but let me interject…holy crap! There were twelve…count ‘em twelve people standing outside in the lobby waiting for me to open this place up. Again my question of why people who need to “study so bad”…are willing to waste so much time standing around and waiting for the library to open (when another perfectly swell library is already open) boggles my mind.

Saturday – 1:05pm

Two of the people who were waiting in the lobby just asked if we were open 24/7.

People who were standing outside…when we were closed…just asked if we were open 24/7.

Let me rephrase that. MIT STUDENTS…who were standing outside the CLOSED and LOCKED library just asked me if we were open 24/7.

Does anyone else find that a bit alarming?! Is it just me?!

Saturday – 2:13pm

Okay, yeah…I’m bored out of my mind. I did the claims report for December already and I’m two weeks ahead on the binding, as such I’m left with little to occupy my time. No one should pass that note along to my boss; nothing good could come from that. I guess I’ll just keep refreshing Facebook…or I could always log onto MSN or something…or maybe I’ll have to resort to pasting my face on celebrities’ bodies. That’s always a good time.

Saturday – 2:48pm

Holy crappers! Great story to pass along to those of you in Blogland. My wonderful co-worker, Ms. Laura McWilliams, just came bounding up the stairs and it was quite obvious she was suffering from a serious case of the “holy shits.” It turns out it was for a good reason.

Whilst using the ladies room downstairs she heard a splash and then a rat…yes, a rat…poked his little head up between her legs. As one might expect she screamed like there was no tomorrow and the furry lil guy disappeared back down into the toilet and up in the pipes!! Needless to say, Laura was a wee-bit shaken and thus, rightfully suffering from a case of the aforementioned “holy shits.”

On a side-note: Suck on that Harvard. We’ve got gigantic, amphibious rats running through the pipes of MIT. What have you bitches got that can top that?!

Saturday – 3:21pm

There is this chick her with some creepy blue eyes. She’s kinda hot, but I think she just uses that as part of her trap—in fact—I think she’s probably some sort of murderous warlock. The eyes are just too blue for her to be trusted. In fact, I haven’t seen her in a while…she’s probably stealing someone’s soul right now. More as it develops.

Saturday – 4:48pm

The Blue-Eyed Demon just waltzed up here and did some crazy stutter step thing before disappearing back under the dome. I think she was about to leave her laptop and stuff (idiot) until I told her we close at six. Apparently she was going to leave her laptop, coat and other belongings unattended for more than an hour. No longer worried she’s a soul-stealing succubus, now I’m more worried that she’s just really, really stupid.

PS: People bitch a lot about this place closing at six. It always closes at six. It’s on all the signs…six. That’s when we close, yet they all ask even while they’re staring at the signs and assume I’ll magically tell them that they can stay all night.

PPS: Yeah, I’m really hungry again. *sigh*

Saturday – 6:26pm

Okay, so the first shift of the day is finished. Not too much to report on in the second half of the shift; it was really quiet and really boring. As expected I’ve already had to resort to Yahoo! Answers to keep me amused. That can’t be a good sign.

I’m going to go hit the gym now and get some of that natural energy flowing through the veins and then snag a bite to eat.


Saturday, December 08, 2007

Survey Thinger...again

1.Who will you be with Saturday night?

Being that it is—in fact—Saturday night and I am in my apartment. It would appear as though I’m going to be with Jackie and Grace. These two lovely young women are plowing away on some substantial homework and/or Facebooking (oh yeah, it's a verb!) to their hearts’ content. I on the other hand am filling out this survey and randomly bitching to them about such things as my fantasy baseball league, laptop thievery and the declining readership of my blogs due to an abundance of baseball-related posts.

2. What woke you up this morning?

Technically, two things…as I woke up twice. The first was my alarm. I promptly unfurled myself from the covers, fought my way out of bed, grabbed my phone and turned the alarm off before turning to bed. Roughly ten minutes later Jackie was leaving to go get milk for my birthday breakfast and the loud, metal-on-metal sound our deadbolt makes woke me up for the second and final time.

3. If you took a drug test would you pass it?

Of course, the only things you’d find in my system would be GHB (gotta build up a tolerance) and cattle steroids. Farmers like their cows to be big and meaty as to make some yummy, yummy beef and I like my big, manly arms to equally as big and meaty as evidence by my recent six-page spread in GQ.

4. Is tomorrow going to be a good night?

Well tomorrow night is a Sunday night and that generally means I’ll be planted in front of the television watching Sunday Night Football and enjoying some well-chilled adult beverages. This is all part of my game plan to increase my overall “dudeitude” by increasing my appreciation and understanding of football. I’ve got a pretty solid grasp on the game (thank you, John Madden) and I moderately appreciate it (thank you, three straight Fantasy Football Championships) but I have yet to really become a fan. Luckily, in Boston its pretty much impossible not to have the Patriots crammed down your throat 24/7, so that helps a bit.

5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Why yes indeedy I did. Then I got a big lecture about how you can’t just do that to anyone you want and people on the subway aren’t your friends and blah, blah, blah…litigation is still pending, I’m untouchable bitches!

6. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?

Does a bus count as a car? Do we mean automobile or do we specifically mean a car? Like…would a pick-up truck or a van or perhaps even an SUV be disqualified from this scenario? If a bus is legal…then the last person I rode with was a bunch of scary Southie people. Oh wait…what about a Subway car? Does that count?! Again…more scary Southie people. If we’re talking a straight up car…then I guess it’d be Angie. She’s like a chauffer…don’t tell her I said that though…or she’ll make me ride in the trunk again.

7. How many myspace accounts do you have?

I’ve got one. Turns out that I neither have a band or multiple personality disorder…so I’m pretty much set with the one that I rarely use or look at.

8. What was your first thought this morning?

“That can’t be my alarm…aw shit…it IS my alarm. Maybe if I ignore it Grace will turn it off………………………………….DAMN…she’s not turning it off. Why are my feet so tangled in the blankets? Son of a bitch, that alarm is getting really annoying. Seriously…why does Grace have all the blankets, yet I’m tangled in them?! I’m so confused. Where am I?! Ah…I’m free. F’n Alarm!!”

9. Do or did you like school?

I agree with Ms. Quick…I liked school a lot. I was really good at school, not Lindsey Quick good, but good nonetheless. I sorta feel like it’d be nice to go back and do college again. Not now, b/c everyone would think I was creepy for living in the dorms and hitting on freshman…but like a go back in time thing. I hated homework though. I couldn’t stand coming home at the end of the day and not being free to do what I wanted. That freedom is a big reason why me and the working world get along so well. Part of me thinks I’ll go back to grad school some day and part of me thinks I can manage with what I’ve got. We’ll see how all that turns out…

10. Would you take a bullet for anyone?

I suppose so, I mean I’d prefer to take a massage or a solid high-five for someone, but I’m good in the bullet department too. The way I figure it, my left lung is pretty much overrated anyway and every time someone gets shot in the movie, they tend to bounce back and kick some major ass…I’m all about the bouncing and the kicking.

11. Where would you like to live?

I would like to live somewhere with some major rent control. Like—you know—so that rent topped out at like $200/month per person and people could afford to work and pay rent and pay bills and still have money to save and/or live with, not just enough extra income to buy a few beers every now and then.

12. Do long distance relationships work?

I’ve never tried a long distance relationship for any longer than a few months. Unless you count that thing with the Russian chick who keeps emailing me and telling me that she just needs another $5000 wired to her account so she can come and join me in the US...but I think she loves me…I’m not totally sure my Russian is a little shaky.

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?


14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Well past my midlife crisis, preparing for the final year of my 20s and probably scared shitless wondering what I’ve done with the last decade or so of my life.

…and I’ll have a kitty.

15. Who is your number one on myspace?

Johnathon Kunkel, esquire

16. Who do you wish you were with right now?

Under some flood lights playing some slow-pitch softball with friends and enjoying some cold libations and a lot of good-spirited rabblerousing to boot.

17. Who was the last person that left you a comment?

Let’s see on MySpace it was the lovely Miss Elissa Derby of Dewey Library and all-around awesomeness fame.

On Facebook it appears as though it was the one and only, the living legend, the human highlight reel…Grace Mlady.

PS: Grace enjoys when she is described by the same monikers as pro wrestlers. Call her the “Macho Woman” or “Hacksaw Grace Mlady” sometime…she loves it. Trust me.

18. How often do you log in to myspace?

Well, when I find myself blogging on a frequent basis, I often check MySpace two to three times a day to see how many people have been peeping (that’s gangsta for “looking at”) my blog. The recent trade of increased baseball blogging leading to decreased readership, however, has greatly dampened my desire to log into MySpace. Although there was a very friendly man named Pork-Chop who wanted to befriend me the other day, apparently, he is finishing up a stint at the Massachusetts State Penitentiary and would like to meet up for some beers and a chit-chat about the prospects in the Pittsburgh Pirates farm system. So I suppose logging into MySpace hasn’t been all bad lately.

19. Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in IM?:

Well, that’s going to depend on the situation. If I’m at work and I’m talking dirty to a co-worker, you know who you are (Ryan)…well then I’m going to prefer that it’s via IM otherwise people are going to think I’m kinda creepy.

If Grace has decided she’s dumping me and running off with some dude whose interests extend beyond baseball, beer and Jim Carrey…well then she’s kind of a douche-bag for breaking up with me via either medium…but I guess I’d prefer phone. That way she’d have to listen to me whimpering and not just get the implication from an emoticon.

If I were chit-chatting about baseball with someone—most likely a Kunkel—I’d be okay with doing it either way.

If I’m having some sort of sordid phone/IM sex, I’d prefer to do that over the phone. Phone sex is weird enough, but let’s be honest typos could make things far more awkward. Imagine this:

iowaDUDE: Hey there foxy lady…
KaNDyKaNe: wut up shooger
iowaDUDE: Huh? Oh, sugar…you mean to say sugar.
KaNDyKaNe: ur hawt
iowaDUDE: Do you mean hot? Wait…I don’t have a web cam…
iowaDUDE: How can you see me? Are you a warlock?
KaNDyKaNe: i want u so bad
iowaDUDE: Um, okay, I’ll just roll with it.
iowaDUDE: What are you wearing?
KaNDyKaNe: a Viking helmet
iowaDUDE: Intriguing…like the oft-underachieving football team or the Nordic invaders?
KaNDyKaNe: wut
iowaDUDE: Nevermind, it sounds like you’re dressed like Flava-Flav.
KaNDyKaNe: Yeah and I’ve got a cock too.
iowaDUDE: …
KaNDyKaNe: wut wrong?
iowaDUDE: I like ladies.
KaNDyKaNe: …
iowaDUDE: …
KaNDyKaNe: oh! clock I have got a CLOCK too!!
iowaDUDE: Oh…like Flava-Flav. That makes more sense.
KaNDyKaNe: i could have both if that does it for you
—iowaDUDE has left the conversation—

20. How many car accidents have you been in?

I can think of roughly five accidents. One was real bad. One was pretty bad. Two were kinda sucky, but nothing outlandish and one was just a little bump and go action by some crazy old lady. Luckily, I’ve yet to be driving during any of these and that, my friends and random passersby, is because I am a driver of the highest order. Long story short, I rock behind the wheel of an automobile.

21. Do you listen to music every day?

Why yes, yes I do. In our bathroom I’ve installed a nice lil’ clock-radio for when I’m in the shower or getting ready in the mornings, a brotha gotsta have his morning talk radio. It also makes a good cover for when you’ve got to take a poo. Think about it, you’ve just eaten some bad, bad Italian food all systems are go for lift-off and in the hallway your two roommates sit discussing the merits of Foucault’s early works. What better way to avoid the awkwardness than cranking up some of the sweet melodic sounds of Taylor Swift’s “Tear Drops on My Guitar?” Aw yeah.

Oh and I’ve got an iPod that I listen to on the morning and evening commutes as well as my computer at work which is always blasting the biggest and best hits of the yesterday, today and tomorrow! K-GRAVES FM

22. Do you still go trick or treating?

I do. Not to nearly the same magnitude as I once did, largely because most parents would call the police if they saw a six foot tall SpiderMan wandering around the streets with a plastic bag full of Snickers and Baby Ruth bars.

23. What was the last thing you ate?

Some delicious chocolate birthday cake! Aw yeah!

24. Are you a fast typer?

I am a pretty fast typer. I mean, I’m no Mavis Beacon or anything, but I’m pretty fast. The problem is when someone asks how fast I can type or I’m actually being timed…then I start f’n up like crazy and making more errors per minute than actual words and that, my friends, is quite the disappointing blow to the ego.

25. How many speeding tickets do you have?

I’ve only ever received one speeding ticket; which was a total joke, by-the-by. The dude clocked picked me out because it was blatantly a college kid’s car, despite the fact that I was merely keeping up with the flow of traffic around me. Granted the rest of the traffic around me consisted of large Ford F-150 pick-up trucks and semis, turns out cops aren’t real eager to flip on the cherries and hunt down vehicles that come with a gun-rack option. However, a green Grand Am flying down the highway…now that’s a prime cut of USDA Grade-A ticket material. The worst part is, the young woman in the car with me…we’ll call her Jodi Boyd…mostly because that is her name…is fairly well-endowed in the boobacular region. The officer and his wandering eyes were very well aware of this. Had JoJo been willing to show just the slightest bit of skin, I’d have probably gotten off with a warning…but NOOOOOO! Jodi’s all “I’m not a hooker” or some other lame line like that and badda-bing-badda-boom…speeding ticket. I’ve narrowly avoided speeding tickets that I should have received about three other times, but none of those stories involved me flashing boobs…just a big, confused Iowan grin…which apparently is just as effective.

26. What are you doing tonight?

Well it appears as though I’m filling out this survey and contemplating what to do after that. Perhaps I’ll play a videogame. Perhaps I’ll write a blog. Perhaps I’ll read a book. It is, however, only 9:00pm as I write this and both of my roommates appear to be ready to hit the hay for the evening. Thus making me think, perhaps I should have made other plans. These English nerds are killing me, but I love ‘em.

27. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do?

That sounds vaguely like most of my Mondays. I suppose if I didn’t have to do laundry or get groceries like I usually do on Mondays…I’d sleep in really late…we’re talking like 8:30, maybe 9:00…b/c I’m soooooo bad-ass like that. Then I’d probably head to McDonalds and devour a delicious McGriddle sammitch. After that I’d probably want to play some slow-pitch softball or some flag football…oh wait…oh a whole day to myself, nevermind. I guess I’d hit the gym…so I could do something physical. I’d move around some equipment until I’d either gotten a sufficient work-out or angered the painter for messing around with his scaffolding and then I’d maybe walk around the Common for awhile or go shopping for some new t-shirts or a new pair of cleats or something. I’d hit up Taco Bell (due to the lack of Taco John’s) for lunch. Then I guess I’d head check my baseball websites and Facebook and stuff. I’d probably rip off a ranting blog about how I waste me days off by blogging and eating fast food. Then I guess I’d drink some beers and play a video game…unless there was a baseball or football game on…then I’d probably watch that. I’d probably do what I usually do when I’m alone and take about 200 swings in the living room with my baseball bat. Then at some point I’d probably order pizza or a sub for supper and watch another sporting event or a show of my liking and then at some point, I’d call it a night. Wow…that sounds really lonely and boring. Oh that’s right…it sounds like ALL of last January. *sigh* Thank God I have friends here now.

28. Is anything bothering you?

My neck is killing me. My back is killing me. My knees are really, really sore lately. I’ve got a bit of a sore throat and I blew out the right side of my brown shoe the other day, so now I need to go snag a new pair of shoes and/or wintery-type boot things. Oh and it’s 9:14pm on a Saturday and I’m sitting at home doing this, my roommates are about to pass out and I feel kinda like I’m 44 instead of 24.

29. Do you miss someone?

I miss a lot of people. I miss my family a lot and I miss The Boys a lot. I miss a bunch of my other friends too. Oh and I really miss my cat. I know that’s super lame and probably makes me fodder for physical and verbal abuse at the hands of large Irish-bred men on the streets of Southie, but whatevs…I miss my kitty, bitches!

30. What do you want to do right now?

I’d kinda like to get paid for writing about baseball. At the same time, I’d also like to find some inspiration to just keep writing in general. I miss writing, but I seem to only find enough enthusiasm and drive to fill out these stupid things or blog about random nothingness or write about baseball. I’ve got like eight-million half-written stories and blogs and surveys and whatever else because half-way through I just think “Meh…it’s not that good.” And then I give up on it. That’s kinda lame. I just wish I had the motivation to sequester myself away somewhere and pound away at the keys until some of the stuff in my head ends up in front of me in a wonderful array of Times New Roman, size 12, double-spaced glory.

31. Are you listening to music right now?

I recently sampled some of my bad-ass MySpace song… “Hello World” by Belle Perez. It’s only further proof that my ass should probably be handed to me on a far more frequent basis by large, inexplicably angry men with goatees and tattoos they don’t remember receiving due to a combination of alcohol, horse tranquilizers and barbiturates.

32. Are you in a good mood?

Hmmmmmm…well I am, in fact, a Sagittarius. What does that mean you ask?! Well let me supply you with this entire rant on we Sagittarians that I’ve recently stolen from some astrology web-site…

For you, friend Sagittarius, life is – at least most of the time – the proverbial bowl of cherries. It's hard for you to take it seriously, even during the worst of times. You don't like sitting still, and would far rather be out and about than enclosed within four walls. But if for any reason your body can't be on the move, your mind will take its place. You can jump from having fun to considering serious matters and back again, all in a matter of minutes. Yet when serious matters do crop up and need to be handled, you take care of them quickly and efficiently – so that you can get back to what you do best: enjoying life. For this reason, you attract a lot of friends, who want nothing more than to hop on your bandwagon.

Your curiosity is boundless. From complex intellectual puzzles to wondering why a joke is funny, you want to know the answers to all. The most interesting conundrum for you, however, is people: Why isn't everyone just as upbeat as you are? Yet when you do hit one of the brick walls that life often throws into our path, you can be as melancholy as anyone else – and God help anyone who tries to cheer you up! Still, you usually snap back quickly – and are off on another adventure, learning about the world. Keep it up!

33. What are you doing this weekend?

Well it’s my Friday night…so apparently, I’m spending Friday night as a big nerd. Tomorrow I’m going to call the family (as is the Sunday norm), then I’m hitting up the gym for a little pumpage of the iron and some racquetball and then I plan to spend the remainder of the day watching football, playing videogames and drinking the aforementioned beverages of an adult nature. As far as Monday (read: my Sunday) I’ll probably do some laundry and try to finish the book I’ve been reading. I might wander into the city to do some Christmas shopping, we’ll see—I think I want to get some Taco Bell too. I haven’t had Taco Bell in like two months or something.

34. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?

I’ve been talking to Jackie and Grace off-and-on during my writing endeavors, but they are both quite focused on their aforementioned scholastic endeavors. Thus the clashing of the endeavors has been taking place and, as such, they aren’t big on the chit-chat this fine evening.

35. When were you the saddest in your life?

Wow, that’s all kinds of a question; probably the first half of my senior year of high school. If for no better reason than I was going way out of my way to be someone I wasn’t and instead I was a huge douche-bag and wasted a lot of time that I should have been spending with my friends.

Oh…or last January, when I was in Boston all alone, pretty much all month and I really hadn’t made any friends at work yet. It was a long, sad, lonely month. I don’t think that will be the case this January.

36. Do you own more than one cell phone?

Nope, just the one for me and its pretty bad-ass if I do say so myself and…wait…what’s that? Oh…it turns out I do—in fact—say so myself. Aw yeah!

37. Do you use EBay to buy or sell?

My eBay adventures haven’t been kind to me. I feel as though I’ve mentioned them in this same conversational forum before. It was back in the summer of 2000. The internet had just found its way into my home. My lil’ brother, affectionately known as G-Doggy, was an eBay machine. He was buying and selling car-audio parts at a pace that was dizzying to say the least and bat-shit crazy to say the most. For a dude without a real job and no credit card, he had quite the system working. One day I asked him to make three purchases for me. He bid on the book “Have a Nice Day” by professional wrestling Mick Foley; which I won for the tidy fee of $3 plus shipping and handling. He bid on a pair of real wrestling boots, but came up short in the bidding war. (No questions about the wrestling obsession folks) And finally, he bid on a Christina Aguilera World Tour t-shirt; which he won for the handsome price of $8 plus shipping and handling. The book arrived and I spent the better part of the summer plowing through it and the t-shirt was a no-show and I was out nearly $12, to this day I hold a bitter, bitter grudge against eBay. In fact, I haven’t been back since.

38. What makes you mad?

I don’t like when people talk down to me. It happens a lot at work and that really bothers me. Not people I work with, they’re great. I’m okay with the fact that I don’t have any kind of fancy education and I’m okay with the fact that I was poor for a long time, but I’m not okay with other people looking down their noses at me for that or any other reason.

I’ve had more than a few run-ins with people who think they’re really funny when they make jokes about my brother or even handicapped people in general and nothing makes me want to rip some cocky little fuckers spine out through his throat more than that. Spoiled little assholes who get off by have their jerkoff little piss-ant friends cackle like hyenas when they make fun of the kid in the wheelchair. Yeah…that shit makes me mad.

I also don’t like the people at the airport who bitch about having to go through security and who piss and moan about how long everything takes. If they’d take like, 12 seconds out of their obviously super-busy schedule to look around they’d realize they’re not being singled out, as it turns out everyone has to go through the same bullshit. Get over it, you whiny little pricks. Take off your f’n penny loafers and throw them in the basket. No, no you can’t keep your change in your pocket…yes, yes your laptop has to come out of the bag. I know this is such a pain in the ass isn’t it. Now you’re going to be late for your two and a half hour pre-flight sit on your ass. Damn. Life is hard, good thing you’re here to tell us all about how hard it is. Zip your lip, put a smile on your face and go hit up the airport bar for a nice $12 beer like the rest of us.

I hate when people turn or change lanes without signaling. There’s a lever in your car with on purpose. That purpose being to turn on lights that signal which direction you intend to use your car. Yet, some how tons of people—and the entire state of Minnesota—seem to be absolutely baffled by not only the lever, but what its purpose is. Now in Iowa, we learned about it in drivers’ education. We were tested on it when went to get our official driver’s license. And you know what, that all worked out pretty well for the state of Iowa. Everyone else…follow our example.

39. Have you ever had a song written about you?

Yes…perhaps you’ve heard of it. It was originally title “867-5309 – Graves” but apparently Tommy Tutone thought it wouldn’t be nearly as well received if he was signing a song to another dude. I was just confused because it wasn’t my phone number…oh and I didn’t know who Tommy Tutone was…I guess that was a little weird too. In the end, he switched it up and went with the name Jenny instead and I guess that all worked out okay for him.

40. Have you ever sang in public?

Yes, back in the day (I can say that now that I’m ancient)…in the concerts that we’d be forced to sing in until like fifth grade or something. I remember in third grade, country music was hot. I’m talking scorching ladies and gentlemen. Billy Ray Cyrus was America’s heartthrob, Brooks and Dunn’s “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” was becoming a new blue collar anthem and Garth Brooks was about as close to God as you could get while wearing a five gallon hat. As such, I took our third grade Christmas concert— and our stirring rendition of “Oh Christmas Tree”—as my big shot at Nashville and the Grand Ole Opry. Video evidence would show me swaying back in forth, in my little sweater vest and white trash afro, as a belted out the tune with full-on arm motions ala Reba McIntire. Needless to say, I didn’t make it to Nashville .

41. What songs make you happy?

Belle Perez – “Hello World”
Travis Tritt – “Great Day to Be Alive”
Sawyer Brown – “Some Girls Do”
Kenny Chesney – “Beer in Mexico”

…let’s be honest, the list goes on and on; much of it including music that will and/or should result in an endless stream of verbal abuse from both friends and strangers alike.

42. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?

Hmmmmm…usually I like to go to bed when I’m really tired, otherwise I end up flat on my back staring at the ceiling for hours. The only noises I can hear are just that—noises—and as such, they aren’t even remotely viable sources of soothing, calming, or melodic tones. Rather they are the sounds of buses screeching to a halt at stoplights, drunken Irish neighbors threatening the lives of party guests and/or airplanes coming and gone through the wee-hours of the night.

I do, however, really like to have a fan on when I’m going to bed. That is quite soothing and tends to help me conk right out.

43. Do you have a job?

Pending the results of all current and future filings and litigation regarding sexual harassment—yes, yes I do!

I’ve seen Legally Blonde like a dozen times, bitches, I’m unstoppable in front of a jury.

44. What does your iPod have on it right now?

Music. Duh!

45. How many close friends do you have?

I don’t have a ton of close friends. I’d say I probably have about half-a-dozen really close friends. Which is about right, if someone thinks they have a whole bunch of close friends…the truth is that they probably have a bunch of good friends and few if any close friends. I like that I know the difference.

46. What makes you happy?

My life and all of the people and stuff that go along with it.

47. One wish?

I don’t necessarily want to be rich or anything stupid like that, but I’d like for money to be less of an issue. I wish I could go and visit my friends without having to think about the number of sick days I can take off or how much a plane ticket would cost. I’d love to do a cross-country road trip with the boys, but I know that because of money it’ll probably never happen…

48. Have you ever loved someone and were too scared to tell them?

I think everyone has. If you’re not scared, you’ve got nothing worth losing.

*EDIT* It just occurred to me that I think I just stole that line from Grey’s Anatomy. *sigh*

49. Next concert?

Not sure. I don’t hit up a lot of concerts. They’re fun and all, but my theory is as follows. You like a band for their music and how they sound. You can hear them on the radio or a CD. When you go to a concert you’re paying to SEE them play. Lots of live music sucks because it gets drowned out by the crowd. Plus it’s more about the visual aspect than the auditory which is why you like the band in the first place.

I realize most people will disagree and some Music Snob freaks would even call me the anti-Christ over that lil theory, but that’s just how I feel.

50. Name one song that explains your current life.

Wow…I don’t have nearly the ambition or drive to even put thought into that one at this point, I’ve been working on this bad-boy for nearly two hours now, so I’m going to go ahead and stick with the song that’s popped up like 43 times in this little ditty already…that’s right, ladies and gents… “Hello World” by Belle Perez!! Aw suki-suki!!