Thursday, December 21, 2006

Public Service Announcement

I’m in the middle of all-nighter number two right now. This one is a little worse than the last one because I don’t have tomorrow off. Instead two hours after this shift is over I work a ten hour shift. In addition, I have been up since roughly 4am already.

Now that you’re all caught up on the semantics of the situation it’s time to let you in on the biggest event that has taken place during this all-nighter thus far…

Here I am, sitting in a library in the middle of the night and what epiphany am I struck with? What earth-shattering, conscious-rattling, life-altering realization have I come to?

My iTunes playlist contains two songs by La Bouche.

Now, for anyone who has forgotten the rhythmic power and indelible song writing that made up such mid-90s fare like "Be My Lover" and "Sweet Dreams"
you are definitely one of a delicate few who can safely hear the name La Bouche and assume it is some sort of feminine hygiene product, a French carpet cleaning solution or some sort of pastry...but those of us who have images of strobe lights and glow sticks burned into our subconscious will never forget La Bouche, no matter how hard we try.

La Bouche struck down upon the American airwaves with thunderous fury at roughly the same time as many of the other bands whose music is defined in one of two genres:

1) Shitty Music from the ‘90s


2) Generic Shitty Music

If you need a reference point to conjure up thoughts of music that could be described as La Bouchian examples would include: “This Is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan or Just About Anything Ever Performed by Ace of Base.

I know what the question you’re asking yourself is right now. “Why am I reading this crap?” But the next question that’s probably floating somewhere in your subconscious is...”why the hell does he have two songs from La Bouche?”

Well the answer is simple, I was duped. Yes, yours truly is willing to put his ego aside and admit that I fell victim to some sort of mystical internet trickery. You see…here’s how it went down. I am new to the world of “torrents” and downloading entire CDs in one shot. My music piracy background consists of a few quick hits of Napster, a dash of Morpheus and a nice dose of LimeWire.

The difference between those methods and this new “torrent” system is that with the old platforms I would choose one song I really wanted and start downloading it, roughly a week-and-a-half later I’d get said song and either listen to it on repeat for a month or find out that it was a faulty download and I’d wasted the better part of a week. In the world of torrents, I merely click on an entire CD or someone else’s entire playlist and within a much more reasonable time (ie: 10 minutes), I’ve got the whole thing.

Now that I’ve briefed all of you on how lame I am, here’s how I got La Bouched. Someone had a gigantic pack of songs labeled “Best Songs from 1970-2000.”

“Wow,” I thought, “the best songs from the last thirty years. Well hot-diggity dog there’s got to be some good shizzle up in there!”

And there was. I ended up with many a fine song from music legends like Neil Young, Eric Clapton, Garth Brooks and apparently…musical demi-gods La Bouche?!

Upon further inspection I realized that not only had I’d been swindled into downloading La Bouche, but I’d also gotten a bunch of other mid-90’s tag-alongs such as: Dishwalla, Crash Test Dummies, The Real McCoy, the Spice Girls and a whole host of other bands that should be left doing the county fair circuit in Kentucky.

So my closing statement to you—the three readers of my blog—is this: we must never forget the musical suffering we endured in the ‘90s, because if we allow ourselves to forget—we also allow that awful crap to sneak back up and strike that fatal blow to our collective musical well-being.

--This Public Service Announcement was Paid for by the “I F’n Hate La Bouche Association of America” the Boston Chapter--

Sunday, December 17, 2006

3am (EST)

So here's how things went down...

Jeremiah wanted to go home for about a week around Christmas to see his family. He was only going to get a couple of days off and with flying across the country, it was going to amount to roughly a day and a half at home. So, what did Jeremiah do? Well he volunteered to work whatever God-awful, bottom of the ladder, blow-your-brains-from-boredom shifts the library could dream up.

Nothing came up initially. Instead Jeremiah was given a wonderful reassurance that he could indeed have the time off because family is important and Boston, as it turns out, is quite a distance from Hartley, Iowa. Then about a week and a half ago Jeremiah gets an email saying that they'd really like him to help out and take some extra shifts during finals week. Of course, Jeremiah gave an answer that was something along the lines of, "well by-golly that would be swell."

Now, a week and a half later, after working a five and a half hour shift earlier in the day that was so boring Jeremiah spent his time on Yahoo! Answers solving the incredible quandaries that keep us all up at night, such as this little ditty from Yahoo! user and future professor of English at Oxford, "gotzhoz" who asks: "wut do u do if ur gf b chetn?" Which I'm assuming, roughly translates to "What would a man do if he were to learn that his girlfriend was having an affair?"

After five and a half hours of answering these insightful questions, I hurried home where I spent roughly 27 minutes. Just long enough to take a quick pee-break and pop a B-vitamin. Why would I want to pop a B-vitamin you ask? Well B-vitamins give you energy, more or less, and this brings us back to where this all started. Why would I need energy...well because the first of the two shifts I've been asked to cover during finals week is an overnight shift. 10pm until 10am (that's Eastern Standard Time, ladies and gentlemen).

My first thought was..."well come on, how hard can this shizzle be, I'm 23-years-old I've done a ton of all-nighters this'll be a piece of cake!!"


I am an old, old man. By 7:45pm my eyes were droopy and I looked like that sad little dwarf, the one I always thought was autistic, but it turns out he was just tired. So we are and it's currently 3:04am (again...Eastern Standard Time) and I'm staring a very large, very quiet, very bright and very empty library. Yes, that's right my services this evening have been rendered to watch over the 16 nerds who are still here in the library.

Nerds one through five are all in a study room together giggling and drinking from the same jug of, what I can only assume is now sour, orange juice. Maybe they spiked it with a little vodka for a study-time screwdriver, but if that's the case aren't there a lot cooler places one could get hammered than in the study room at the library.

Nerds six and seven appear to be a couple because they have been giving each other hump me eyes since I got here. This isn't normally a big deal, but they are sitting pretty much directly to the right of my computer screen and they are constantly in my peripheral vision. Now, that's all great and fine, except I didn't come here with the intent of watching soft-core pornography. If I wanted to watch that crap I'd open 75% of the junk mail in my inbox.

Nerds nine, fourteen and sixteen are passed out in various nooks and crannies of the library. All three with laptops sitting there for picking. Which reminds me...Mom....if you're reading this stop now and forget what I said about the laptops...I'd hate to giveaway your Christmas present.

Nerd eleven and nerd thirteen, who came in separately and have been studying in their own respective nerd bubbles for the past five hours have now joined up at the randomly placed chess board, for what I can only assume is some sort of weird new mating ritual....wait...upon double-checking both nerd thirteen and nerd eleven have vanished. It would seem obvious to me at this juncture that they are now making weird little nerd offspring somewhere on the premises.

Nerd ten is sitting in the computer bay to my far right and appears to be watching videos of Asians doing faux-rock videos with far too many bright lights and star-wipes to be legit, or so I'd hope. Nerd twelve hasn't broken eye contact with the same piece of paper for about two and a half hours now. I think we can safely go ahead and call the time of death on nerd twelve as 3:13am...Eastern Standard Time.

Finally, my favorite of all the nerds...nerd fifteen. Nerd fifteen was here before I was, which is scary if you think about. Nerd fifteen is sitting up in the loft and constantly staring at all of the other nerds, not in a normal "gee what are they doing?" kind of way, but in one of those rather awkward "I'd like to skin you and wear you as suit coat" sort of ways.

So now here I sit. Tired and begging for either the sweet, sweet release of death or an incredible second wind...that will carry me through the better part of the next seven and a half hours of sitting here doing nothing and then finally dragging my ass all the way to the subway and finally walking the mile to my apartment where I will have to climb the equivalent of a stage three rock formation just to get to our door.

Oh...and I just saw a mouse...wait, strike that. I just saw a gigantic mutated rat. Not like Master Splinter, but like a mouse that wandered into some weird radioactive goo that was just lying around MIT and has now turned into a flesh-eating, blood-seeking, Hall & Oates-loving killer rat.

...more to come.

(unless the rat or nerd fifteen get to me first)

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Orgasmic Mello Yello

Come one...come all. Gather round and I'll tell you the story of Orgasmic Mello Yello. Some of you have been witness to the power and sweet, sweet delight that is Orgasmic Mello Yello. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the heavenly delight that is Mello Yello let me get you cued up with a little diddy from the world's most reputable source...Wikipedia.

"Mello Yello is a caffeinated, citrus flavored soft drink produced and distributed by the Coca-Cola Company. It was introduced in 1979 to compete with PepsiCo's Mountain Dew. While it is greatly outsold by Mountain Dew, the product nonetheless allows Coca-Cola to have a presence in the citrus soft drink market segment."

Basically the best way to picture it is this. Close your eyes and imagine The Rolling Stones making love to a bottle a of Kristal and the offspring that would be produced is a combination of wonderfullness and sweet, sugary yummers all mashed together with crack-cocaine and a Hydrox (not Oreo) McFlurry*'s that f'n good.

Now, don't get me wrong. You can't just drink any Mello Yello and have it declared "Orgasmic." In fact, there is only one place on planet Earth that you can go to find Orgasmic Mello Yello and that is the Pizza Ranch in Spencer, Iowa.

Every year approximately 65 million** people make the trek to the Pizza Ranch in Spencer to sample the sweet, sweet ambrosia that is Orgasmic Mello Yello. Many rumors persist surrounding the source of this once-in-a-lifetime beveraging experience here are some of the most common...

-The soda fountain at Pizza Ranch was once owned by Zeus, before he switched to a low-sugar diet and sold it on ebay where it was then purchased by store manager Gene O'Dell for $245...$100 cheaper than retail.

-Every night Mello Yello gnomes emerge from the basement of Pizza Ranch and create the magical beverage by getting blitzed on Jagermeister and urinating into the machine.

-Crystal-meth...enough said.

-The Mello Yello distributed from the Spencer Pizza Ranch is all from the first batch of Mello Yello created in a lab 500 feet below the Arizona dessert in 1964. It was meant to be a mind-controlling drug to use against the Russians, but somewhere along it's route to Russia it wound up in the hands of the afformentioned Gene O'Dell and the history.

Although all of these rumors are completely unsubstantiated, one thing is a proven fact. If you drink the Mello Yello at the Spencer Pizza Ranch you will gain a super power, but only for as long as the beverage is still in your system.***

There is one unfortunate circumstance that goes along with enjoying this nectar of the Gods...that being the after effects. Now to this day no one is really sure whether it is the food or the Mello Yello that causes the incredible digestive pyrotechnics. But...long story, poop. You poop a lot.

Many a time after I was done dominating my friends in various sports at the YMCA in Spencer we'd head to Pizza Ranch and think we were about to get a great deal. Buffett for $4.95 and Orgasmic Mello Yello. Unfortunately, each one of these trips ended with the same mad scramble for the one unisex restroom the Pizza Ranch has. Often times it would result in a violent scrum where one of us would use our powers to summon drags to beseech the others or another would attack his foe with a lightning bolt from his eyes.****

However, much like in the Highlander, there can be only one...who makes it to the restroom. The rest usually choose not to follow for obvious reasons. It makes for a long, uncomfortable, often rather odiforous car ride home. At the end of the night there are no goodbyes, just young men rushing to their houses and trying to make it to the restroom before tragedy strikes.

But back to the moral of the story...Mello Yello.

Mello Yello, on its own, is probably in the top 28 beverages of all-time, however, ORGASMIC MELLO YELLO is easily in the top 2, the only thing standing between it and the top is a Chocolate Malt from Dairy Dandy...but that my friends is a tale for another time and place.

* Yep, this is true.

** Also true...seriously, look it up...I dare you!

*** Okay...this one's bullshit.

**** Honestly, I think this was in a Harry Potter movie or something.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

My Trip to Family Dollar

Do you ever have one of those days where you're not really in the mood to buy anything, but you start to feel guilty for just walking around a you buy stuff anyway?

I had that today. I was wandering home from the subway stop and for whatever reason I felt compelled to saunter into "Family Dollar." So I walked up and down each and every aisle, meticulously looking at each and every little trinket and bobble on the shelf, not a one of them really drawing my interest.

I looked at a blanket and thought to myself…

This would be kind of nice to have. We do have company this weekend and it has been cold, I’m sure they’d appreciate a blanket to fend off hypothermia. But no…no I don’t feel like spending $8 on a blanket right now. I’m sure I’ll find something better if I keep looking. Plus if they were really worried about hypothermia they’d bring a sleeping bag or something.

After my little almost-purchase of the blanket, I came around a corner to find these tiny little area rugs…

Wow one of these would be perfect for covering up the Ethernet cord that is draped across the floor. Let’s see if it’s roughly 92 inches of exposed cord then that’s how many feet…hmmmmmmm let’s see sixteen times five is, what like eighty? Wait…wait, that’s not right at all. Sixteen that’s ounces in a pound…twelve, twelve inches in a foot and this thing is seventy-two inches? Oh hell no. I’m out. Too much math for this guy!

Upon tossing the area rug back to the floor, I continued my path of quasi-interest to the clocks. There was a very generic wall clock. The kind you see in little children’s playrooms with the bright, colorful plastic exterior surrounding the freakishly white face of the clock and its letters that are just a little too big…

Well this is kind of nice. This would look pretty bad-ass in my cube at work. That way I would know what time it is, whenever I wanted to know what time it was. Well wait, couldn’t I just use the little clock on my computer? Well yeah, but if I do that then I have to turn off my bitchin’ screen-saver and it’s really fun to watch my screen-saver. Yeah…that’s a good point. I’ll think about it.

As everyone does in one of these “I’ll think about it…” situations, I tucked the clock behind some other things so that no one would notice it and it’d still be there waiting for me if I decided I wanted it later. What I didn’t really do was put any thought into the fact that there were six identical clocks behind it on the shelf. I suppose in my mind I’d grown some sort of special attachment to that particular clock? Either way…it still waits for me behind some dish towels.

After the clock fiasco, yes that does indeed qualify as a fiasco…I stumbled into the electronics department where I found a cable splitter…

This is perfect. I was just talking about one of these the other day. We can use this bad-boy during the Super Bowl. We can set up the big TV and the little TV in the living room and use the cable splitter to ensure they both get the game in great quality. This is genius…but, wait…the Super Bowl is still like a month and a half away. Is this too soon? What if I lose it between now and then? What if we decide not to throw a Super Bowl party and then it’s just me sitting there watching the Super Bowl with a stupid cable splitter that I don’t need…………but there are only two left…

The cable splitter has now joined the clock…

Two aisles over I am stopped by what appears to be a two-foot tall Christmas tree that has been mangled. The price tag on the box says $5 but it has been crossed out in Sharpie and replaced with $3. The top of the tree is sticking out of the box which reads: pre-decorated Christmas tree…perfect for any office or home. So I think to myself…

Man…how bad-ass would a mini-Christmas tree look in my office? It’d be super bad-ass. I think I’ll check this thing out some more. Let’s see here, according to the box…20 multi-color lights, 10 hanging ornaments and a Christmas bow, all included…SWEET!! I guess I’ll just pull this bad-boy out and take a peek. Wait, where’s the bow? Or the ornaments? Where the hell are the lights? What is this bull? Pre-decorated my ass, I’m outta here.

I plunked the tree back down on the shelf and headed for the door, but in my rush to leave I suddenly feel an urge to make the twenty-five minutes I’ve spent here worthwhile, but I have no real desire to purchase anything. So I stand in line and wait until I get up to the register where I look around and grab some gum and chap-stick…

Hmmmm I think my lips are chapped and man, do I love Orbit gum.

Then I went home.

….ever done that?

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Dwarf Punting

Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if you were to get in a serious fight with a dwarf?

Think about it for a second. You're just hanging out at the mall or something and you are waiting in line at the Chinese place because you really want to take advantage of that 2 entree deal for $3.95. While you're waiting in line and trying to figure out whether you want to get orange chicken or beef and broccoli with your egg-roll you suddenly feel your bag from TJ Maxx bump into something, you spin around and what do you see...well by-golly you've knocked a dwarf flat on his ass. He's spilled his Dairy Queen chicken fingers platter all over the front of his child-sized white tshirt. The worst part...he had taken the mashed potatoes with gravy as the side dish. Uh-oh.

Suddenly the dwarf is struggling to get to his feet, kinda like a turtle on his back...but with chicken and gravy involved...and at this point he's made enough noise in dropping the tray that everyone in the food court is staring at the two of you now. You make the obligatory apology and offer to help him pick his stuff up, when he shoves you a little, his tiny little face turning bright-red.

"What the hell was that?" he shouts at you, pointing one, bite-sized Twix-like finger at you.

"What?" you ask, before stammering, "it was an accident."

"Accident or no're buying me a new meal," he screams.

"Whatever dude, maybe you should watch where you're walking," is your witty retort.

Suddenly the dwarf lashes out with anger and start flailing wildly at your knees. Part of you is tempted to kick him...kinda like the way you'd punt a football, but you resist. Suddenly you realize that the entire place is watching and some are starting to snicker.

Holy crap...they think this dwarf is kicking my ass! You think as you see the faces all beaming at you like headlights.

Now it decision time and we're talking a far more crucial decision than chicken or beef. We're talking about dwarf punting. There are two schools of thought on this subject. First we have the group of people who believe that in this situation it is best to be the bigger man (no pun intended) and walk away from the fight as a way to avoid embarrassment to yourself and the other individual. Then there is the school that thinks it is best to punt this little bastard as far as you can and get back to figuring out which entree you want to go with your egg-roll, before he has time to regroup and come back at you with all the fury his little soda can-sized fists can muster.

So the real question ladies and gentlemen is this...

Do You Punt the Dwarf?

(Please Comment Openly and Honestly As This Is A Very Important Issue For Millions Of Americans Each And Every Holiday Season)

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Rising From the Ashes...

Well...because I no longer have excuses like homework and school dogging me, I have decided I will attempt to bring my blogging back up to par.

Now, don't expect me to jump right back in the saddle or anything folks. I'm going to need to compose myself.

I am also planning to jump-start my baseball website, but potentially demolish the site and turn it into just a blog of it's own.

I will keep you all that I mean the NONE of you who still look at this thing. It's odd to think I've had a blog for over a year...granted I haven't made a post in six months...but whatev.

This is just to let the world know that I'm planning on a comeback...

...we'll see how far this goes.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Fabricated Fart

Now, I realize the title may be a bit misleading, but basically I would like the masses who read my notes (yes, both of you) to give me a little shout out if you've ever been in this situation, because I can pretty much guess that everyone of you has.

Here is what happened.

I'm at work and I'm getting a bunch of journals ready to be transferred to the bindery and as you all know journals tend to have glossy covers like any magazine. As such my fingers would rub against the glossy covers while I was tying a stack of them together and the friction of flesh on gloss creates a noise that we all recognize as a "tooter."

Now being that I didn't toot, I immediately feel an urge to make sure everyone knows I didn't, but alas...we all know the rules and as history have proven time and time again...whoever denied did, in fact, supply it. As such my next course of action is to make the same mistake I've done a million other times when I've been in this situation.

I attempted to recreate the noise.

As we all know, once you've made a mindless squeaker you cannot replicate that noise to any degree when you begin attempting to do so. As such, I spent the next twenty to thirty minutes feverishly rubbing my fingers across glossy surfaces praying for a similar auditory response, all I got was raw, worn fingers and more strange, wayward glances from the surrounding cubicles.

So now, I'm at a point were I am not only the dude who "let one rip" I'm also the guy who has some obsessive compulsive disorder with rubbing his fingerprints off on the covers of scholarly journals. My impending lack of fingerprints probably insinuates a criminal intent of sorts, they assume that perhaps I'm going to rob the library blind or savagely murder a reference librarian.

But alas, I have no ill-will toward anyone in the workplace. I just don't want them to think I dropped that fluffy forty-five minutes ago. Now, in an attempt to cover my own tracks by recreating the noise to let everyone know it wasn't a gasious emission, but rather a simple rubbing sound...I have only further dampened my case for employee of the month and raised the probability of mandatory psychic counseling for all new employees in the forseeable future.

Clearly, it's time to go to lunch.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Things On My Mind

Well, I'm sitting here, hunched over my laptop as it rests on the window sill. Basically because the Verizon people still have yet to show up and grant us with the blessing that is our own internet connection and hunched over my laptop on the window sill just happens to be the only place I can steal someone else's wireless connection. So, I guess I'll take what I can get...but being that I currently have a connection and I'm sick of filling out online applications for the time being, I've decided to grace you (my peeps)...did I just say peeps?!...with a new blog entry.

This bad boy may be a bit of a hodge-podge, but bear with me. I've had a lot of things swirling around lately.

-For anyone not overly interested in baseball...first off, shame on you. You're probably dead to me. Secondly, feel free to skip past this section. Anywho...random things. The Reds. They are finally falling back to earth. Thank God! I spent all season waiting for them to play like, well, the Reds. It took a lot longer than I'd expected, but come on, the Orioles were a first-place club until the All-Star break last year...stranger things have happened. I think the new Reds GM, Wayne Krivsky made some flat-out awful decisions. Austin Kearns and Felipe Lopez for two mid-level middle-relievers...what the hell was that about? You don't trade away two everyday starters in their 20s for two jabronis who aren't worth the money you're overpaying for them...EVER!! I hate the Reds. I hate their misuse of talent. I hate their awful ownership. I'm happy they're falling and falling fast and I expect their big four game series with the Padres to officially eliminate any thought they may have of considering themselves a legit playoff contender. F*ck the Reds. point. Annibel Sanchez (spelling might be off, but I'm working with a tempremental i-net time for proofreading) throws the first no-no in MLB since Randy Johnson's perfecto in 2004. Huge props to the youngster. The Marlins knew what they were doing when they traded away Beckett and Lowell this offseason and they acquired a mother-load of talent from the BoSox and Sanchez was a big part of it (along with Hanley Ramirez). The BoSox are dead in the water and players they traded like Ramirez, Sanchez, Arroyo, etc....would probably have kept the team in contention. Just a thought, maybe they should hire a young 22-year-old to restructure the franchise? Just throwin' it out there.

Next up...the Twinkies pursuit of the postseason. Honestly, as a Twins fan...and hell, as a baseball fan...this season's American League race has been incredible. To think three years ago the AL Central was considered the weakest division in all of baseball and the Royals were a legit contender until September!!! Now there are three teams that could compete in any division in baseball and the Indians, despite an awful record are still one helluva ballclub. The Twins season, which seemed lost in early June, has turned into one of the most memorable seasons in recent memory for this baseball fan. Watching that team send the veterans packing and handing the reigns to the youth like Punto, Bartlett, Liriano, Tyner, Cuddyer, etc...has been a breath of fresh-air. Even if the Twins miss the playoffs this will go down as a remarkable season. Justin Morneau has finally emerged as the power-threat and overall offensive machine he was advertised to be two years ago. Joe Mauer has lead the league in batting for much of the season. Johan Santana and Francisco Liriano has flat-out dazzled the league with their pitching repetoires. No-namers like Nick Punto and Jason Tyner have become rocks in a scrappy young offense. This has been a great year and hopefully it will keep rolling straight through October!

2)'s over. Next up...Stephen Kellogg and The Sixers. Maybe you've heard of them, maybe you haven't. I first got a listen of SK6ers awhile back and thought, man...these boys rock. But during my move I've found myself rocking out to them pretty much 24/7. These guys are a Bostonian band of sorts...hailing from Northhampton, MA. If you've never heard of them or heard their's a clip from their myspace page to describe their sound...

Try and close your eyes picturing Mick Jagger having sex with The Little Engine That Could, thus having a four headed baby named Stephen Kellogg and The Sixers. With their parents off to work and no babysitter, imagine the mutant child having to grow up in front of a television. A televsion playing only reruns of The Facts of Life and a worn out beta max tape of The Last Waltz. Three part harmonies sung high and low by the two characters on keys and drums with Kellogg's voice in the middle might remind the listener of a song off an old Crosby, Stills and Nash. Their song writing is part Counting Crows, and maybe a hint of good ole country twang, (but not enough to kill even a country hater). Throw in some of The Eagles and a dollup of Cat Stevens. Sprinkle the band with a little Bon Jovi and sautee' it with Sheryl Crow. But hey, listen, and you tell us...

Yeah...that pretty much sums it up. I'm madly in love with their music right now. They're on the road and I think they are hitting up Minneapolis sometime soon for all of my Midwest homies...(sidenote: my personal fave--O.A.R. is also headed for Minneapolis in the near future....) check out some of Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers at their myspace page -- or at at the latter you can sample all of their music by using the player at the bottom of the page...pretty f'n sweet!

3) I miss my friends. I miss Mankato. I miss my family. I miss my katt.

4) I want a job. I hate waiting to get hired. Why can't they just hire me the same day I give them my, that'd be sweet.

5) BooKoo energy drinks...taste really funny. But I think I'm having a full-body clearly they work!

6) I'm now sick of writing, b/c my back hurts from hunching over this a lame blog!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

...write that down...

I was watching Van Wilder the other day and it gave me a few key pieces of advice, that I'm trying to keep locked in my head prior to my Boston-adventure. The advice is as follows...

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

"Don't take life too'll never get out alive."

The wise and all-knowing Mr. Wilder was dead on with both of these little quips. I know I've got a big hill to climb sitting in front of me with this move. I'm going all the way across the country to a place that I've only been to once and that was for three days to find an apartment. I've got no job and I'm pretty much guaranteed to get nailed in the face with a fist full of culture-shock.

But what's a brotha gonna do, right?!

That's right. I could freak out about it, but that's not gonna make it any easier or better for me. I can't assume that any of the afformentioned facts make this a life or death situation (unless I get mugged) basically, I need to sit back. Enjoy the time I've got left here in the Midwest and just roll with the punches from here on out.

Which should be fine, because that's how I roll...

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


As many of you know, I'm currently engaged in a rather unsuccessful job hunt on the east coast. Thus far the most response I've received from any potential employer is either "sorry, we've already filled the position" or "thank you for your interest Mr. Graves, we'll be in contact."

The "sorry, we've already filled the position" thing...that I can handle. I mean if you found someone better, great. I'm happy for you. I don't have a lot of experience in anything except being a library bitch, so I can understand that.

It's the whole "we'll be in contact" bullshit that's really starting to twist my corkscrew. These people, these "professionals" if you will, give you this quick one liner that is supposed to give you a slightly elevated sense of hope and maybe even a quick shot of euphoria (which tastes just like a Scooby-Snack, by the way). However, when about a month has passed and you've found yourself making numerous additional inquiries with little to no feedback, the afformentioned hope and euphoria are replaced with negativity and self-loathing (which tastes a lot like dog piss, by the way).

During the four-plus months that I've been scrambling to find employment in Boston, I've received a total of ZERO...that's right...none, zip, zilch, nada, not a single f'n call-back. Now this would seem logical if I'd simply sent of resumes and left it at that, but alas that is not the case.

In this four-plus month employment marathon, I've sent out nearly 100 different applications, resumes and/or cover letters. In addition to the paper work, I've called and/or emailed a majority of these potential employers and received the good ole "we'll be in contact" line.

"We'll be in contact." It seems like such a simple little phrase. One that imply someone may contact you. In fact, it doesn't just imply potential for contact. They don't say "we might give you a call...or maybe not", no...what they say is "we'll be in contact." Perhaps contractions are a bit more complicated on the east coast. Maybe we'll isn't actually the combination of WE and WILL. Maybe in Beantown we'll actually means "there is no chance in hell that we will..." (insert: be in contact).

Roughly ten minutes ago I made a phone call to the Massachusetts Historical Society. I was applying for a job as a Library Assistant person or doesn't f'n matter. The point is...I called three times. I emailed twice. I sent out my resume and cover letter two days after the job opened.

Finally, today...nearly three weeks later...I actually got through to a human being. Once on the phone she didn't have the fortitude to actually tell me that I wasn't getting the job. Instead she beat around the bush and told me that they had a lot of applicants and they usually hire people from the library school down the road.

This was followed by a long, rather awkward silence.

It was at this point that I figured out she was trying to tell me it was Game Over for this job...but she didn't tell me. She just sat there and then gave me a quick "good luck..." and hung up, like she was scared. Very professional way to handle the situation.

I'd like to keep ranting, but I have to go back to work. The job I DO have...for at least another two days. *sigh*

Hopefully, this whole job thing takes a very positive turn soon...because this shizzle is really starting to drag a brother down.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Musical Theory 101

Do you ever just get really into certain songs? I get that a lot. Like, I'll hear it one day and then I'll either scramble to find out who it was singing it or whatever so I can download it (because I'm too cheap to buy a CD).

Now once I've got that biznatch downloaded, you can expect to hear that song about 10,000 times within the next four to six hours. Why? Beats the hell outta me. I always complain when a song is overplayed on the radio...Rob Thomas and Santana "Smooth"...this means you! Yet, I'll do the same thing when I have it on CD.

Today I'll try to explain this paradox by using some recent examples combined with various theories I have as to why I overplay songs...

EXHIBIT A: The Music Video Effect
EXAMPLES: "Our Lives" by The Calling and "In the End" by Linkin Park

Now although this song isn't new by any means, it is a song that I've been overplaying like crazy lately. This is because of what I'll refer to as the music video factor. Most times when I hear a song--and I've never seen the actual video--I make up my own music video in my head. As such, for "Our Lives"...I picture a music video that is largely a montage of me and my friends growing up together and hanging out and whatnot and then the eventual split-up that is unavoidable in all friendships as we all go our separate ways. (PS: "Separate Ways" is totally a Journey song that I've also rocked out too...) Now this one has a slight edge over the others as I actually made a video montage of me and The Boys and used this song as the closing song to the by default...that will ALWAYS be what I picture when I hear that song, as I assume it will be for everyone else as well. The Linkin Park song consistently makes me think of wrestling. Travis and I always talked about making a music video to hype a match between the two of us...and this was the song we wanted. As such, I always picture that music video in my head.

EXHIBIT B: Pure Love of Voice and Music
EXAMPLES: "Change" by Tracy Chapman and "Such a Way" by Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers

Now this one was a rare situation where I was so entranced by the song that I actually ran out and purchased the CD. Yeah, I know....the Dutch guys prys open his wallet--with a crowbar, mind you--and purchases a CD. Crazy! Well first and foremost...Chapman has the most incredible voice ever. I just want to make love to her voice. It's not even funny.

This one caused a chain reaction that had me playing this song, accompanied by about half the other songs on the CD, for nearly a month and a half. The same has become the case in recent memory with a Massachusetts based band called Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers. Basically these dudes rock my socks clean off. The song "Such a Way" has more soul and feeling in it than most angry, lesbian poetry...and that's a lot my friends...a whole lot!

In this scenario...there was no music video effect. This time there was only the pure love of the voice and the music. In this case, overplaying a song or songs is--in my mind--not nearly as large of a tragedy because the music rocks. If I were doing this to a Jessica Simpson number, however, I'd pretty much need to be shot.

EXHIBIT C: Danceability and Sing-a-Longitude
EXAMPLE: "Gimmie Some Lovin" by the Spencer Davis Project

In this example...I can't say it was the "Music Video Effect" or even the "Pure Love of the Voice and Music"...the reason I overplayed these songs is two-fold and in my case...two of the most common reasons.

Danceability and Sing-a-longitude. This is a classic tune that you can't help but start jiving to and if you're strong enough to make it all the way to the chorus, it is next to impossible to avoid belting out the phrase..."Gimmie Some Lovin'" at the top of your voice...just try it. You'll see what I'm talking about.

EXHIBIT D: Old School
EXAMPLES: "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey and "Be Like That" by 3 Doors Down

Everyone has a list of maybe 5-10 songs that seem to pop up fairly regularly either on burnt CDs or in their MP3 playlist. these are songs that have been around for awhile...some a LONG, LONG while, but still remain favorites.

I have a decent list of these songs and if you ask any of my close friends...and/or...anyone who has ridden in my car more than twice in the last decade and they'll pretty much be able to rip off about half-a-dozen songs that you could expect me to have on any given CD I ever burn.

These songs are there because they are old school favorites. Songs that have a certain meaning from the past or simply are your past. Songs define a big part of who we are and where we are in life when we think of a song. "Freshman" by Verve Pipe is one that will reverberate with my generation forever, as is anything by Hootie or the unforgettable "Closing Time" by Semisonic. These songs stick with us and send our minds immediately to a certain place and time. For about five generations of kids The Beatles have been a mainstay in the Old School category. Face it. Whether you're into EMO or Punk or Rap or still have a favorite Beatles song. If you say you don''re a f'n liar!

So there you have four theories for why I overplay songs. These songs I hear fit into one of those categories...and/or a fifth or sixth category that I'll think up when it's not two hours before I need to be to work...ugh!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Worst Blogger Ever...

Hmmmm...I'm not much of a blogger. I had a blog. I did it for awhile, then I quit. I had a blogging site dedicated to baseball and the other dudes bailed, so I quit. I tried blogging here, but quit.

I think the moral of the story is I'm a horrible blogger.


However, here's a quick recap of things going down in the World-o-Graves.
1) I have one week left in Mankato...I -HEART- Mankato

2) This time next month I'll be living in Boston.

3) As of right now, I'll be unemployed when I get there.

4) I'm still getting Red Sox tickets.

5) Johnny is in California. Johnny stole my state. He sure as hell better stay away from San Diego...or else!

6) Travis is madly in love with me.

7) I'm nearly done slaving at the MSU Library and I'm contemplating sabatoging the place on the way out...just because I can.

8) My dome light fell out. I don't even know how, but it hit me in the head and now it just dangles there.

9) Craiggers makes a mean hot dog, but alas, Mike makes a better burger.

10) It's RibFest!!

11) I miss Grace...

12) The Twins could be in the playoff hunt!

13) I think I could play for the Kansas City Royals. Not a starter, but like a fifth outfielder.

14) I like scramby eggs...but not with onions in them. I do, however, like onions on/in other things...just not my f'n eggs!!

15) See...this is why I quit blogging....this is so f'n lame!

Friday, May 26, 2006

My Head Feels Funny

I just got my wisdom teeth yanked out...or..."gently extracted" and now I'm all numb and tingly. I spent like three hours unconscious. Good times, good times. So I will be spending my last Memorial Day weekend in Mankato as a drooling, mumbling mess of a human being, should be tons of fun.

I did, however, get to keep my teeth which is super cool. When I first went in the doc told me that I wasn't allowed to keep them because of some crazy OSHA rule or something like that. But when I woke up, there they were, waiting for me in a little baggy. From this I can deduce one of three things. A) They f'd something up real bad and assumed that if they gave me my teeth I wouldn't sue or B) He was just yanking my chain to get me uber surprised when it was over or C) One of the 438 assistants they had in the room for the surgery decide he/she was in love with me and wanted to make a very subtle, almost creepy, pass at me.

Grace and I are taking a preliminary trip out to Boston in a few weeks. Unfortunately, the only time that really worked was the weekend we had set aside for a big birthday bash for Old Man Kunkel. Luckily though we don't leave until the afternoon on Saturday which leaves us Thursday and Friday nights to get down with our badselves. We are going to be in Boston from the 17th until the 20th as a scouting trip of sorts; checking out apartments, maybe jobs, trying out the public transit system and checking out UMass-Boston. All-in-all, I think it'll be a fun time. I was hoping we could catch a Red Sox game...and if we'd have been able to get the tickets we wanted, for the weeked prior, we totally could have...but alas, it appears as though Fenway will have to wait until I am officially a Bostonian.

Is it weird for an oral surgeon to prescribe ecstasy as a painkiller? Hmmmm...sometimes I wonder how they do things here in Minnesota.

Well I suppose I think I'm going to go gum some applesauce or something. I'm starving, but I can't eat any REAL food for a few times are going to be rough. Pray for my stomach!

That's all for now.

Sunday, May 14, 2006 'bout that?!

So yeah...pretty sure I graduated college yesterday.

People talk about when it's going to sink in and when we're all going to freak out and realize we are now entering the "Real World."

I hate that f'n phrase so much. "The Real World." Everyone who survives college is already living in the real world. We all have to work hard in and out of the classroom to make it through. We all have to stay focused and keep pushing for that last ounce of motivation. We all have to show up to work to pay bills and fund our good times.

Would someone like to tell me how that is different from this so-called "Real World" that we are just now supposedly stepping into?

The way I look at it this is just another of the many accomplishments in life. I'm very proud that I made it and that I graduated with honors. I'm very proud of all of my friends who also graduated. I'm proud of the time that I had in college and the memories I made.

Most of all I'm proud that now is when I finally get to see what I can do on my own in the world. No more teachers offering help. No more parents paying for my health insurance. No more on campus job that I can come and go from as a I please. The world I'm stepping into isn't anymore real than the world I've been living in. It is however more dangerous. I've lost the safety net I've had for the last 22 years. If I fall it's up to me and me alone to pick my ass back up.

...and I think I'm ready.

Friday, March 31, 2006


Wow! I have a blog, who knew?!

Anywho, I'm back. From outer space to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock, I should know what, I'm sorry. This is my first blog post in a while and this is what I do to you people. I subject you to this kind of crap.

What to babble about this time?! Ah yes...the one thing I'm quite well versed in running my mouth about--BASEBALL!!

The 2006 season is nearly here after five long months of waiting I finally get to see some baseball action. Sure the World Baseball Classic was a nice hit for a baseball junkie, a good quick-fix if you will, but it lacked the luster that the baseball season brings. The first major problem was the officiating issues, which were apparent to everyone who watched and the second was the lack of actual TV time for the games. Personally I was only able to watch three full games: Cuba vs Dominican Republic, Japan vs Korea & Japan vs Cuba. All three games were great to watch and I was very impressed. What I did see of Team USA left me incredibly disappointed. It looked as though they'd shown up and taken the field without preparing at all. Whereas many of the other teams were preparing together as a team for nearly a month prior to the tournament.

Anyway, that's about enough bitchin' and moanin' about the WBC it's time to focus on the baseball season which starts this Sunday with the White Sox clashing with the Cleveland Indians. I love the feeling of ball in the spring. Everyone has a chance--well maybe not the Royals--and all of the potential and predictions in the world don't matter anymore, it's all about what happens on the field. I've already got tickets to the Twins/Yankees game Easter weekend. Should be one helluva time. I've been thinking about Dome Dogs for way too long.

To prepare for the start of the season I've been on a baseball binge lately watching baseball movie after baseball movie and reading the book "The Iowa Baseball Confederacy" by WP Kinsella, the same dude who wrote "Shoeless Joe" the book which spawned "Field of Dreams." I ordered "Mr. Baseball" and "The Scout" on DVD from Amazon and have made a list of other baseball movies I still need to add to my illustrious collection which currently consists of 24 baseball movies in DVD format. :-)

Anywho...I suppose that's about all I got for now. "Eight Men Out" is getting really good now and I can't seem to stay focused on, I used it like it's a real verb. I'm so f'n sad.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Oh You Crazy Ghost Hunters...


This is the link to the new (VERY new) baseball-opinion/information site run by Ryan Gehrke, Steven Kunkel and Your Favorite Blogger and Mine...ME!! Basically we all love baseball and more than talking about it. So we are going to write articles/columns/opinion pieces throughout the season and post them on this new website. Basically it's just for us to have a good time and run our mouths. Granted there is a good chance that, much like THIS blog, no one will ever read it, but what can you do right?!


The Seventh Annual Season of the infamous Salmon League is slated to begin soon. I'm pumped. Nothing I love more than Fantasy Baseball. It appears as though Johnny and maybe even G-Doggy will not be participating this year. We'll have to see how things work out. Kinda sad really. We are putting money on the line this year and hoping to have a life offline draft together. Should be a good time. I've been kicking around the idea of doing the draft the weekend of Bockfest. Only thing is...Steven, Burns, Paulsen (spelling?!) and Justin wouldn't have a whole lot to do while we're all out and about getting sloshed at Bockfest.


Spring Training started today with pitchers and catchers reporting. I am pumped and a half about this one. Can't wait for the 2006 season to begin and the World Baseball Classic. It's a special time of the year (cue cheesy music) when every team is a contender (cue chirping birds) and every player has the chance to make this his year. I love this game.


Watched Ghost Hunters on Sci-Fi tonight with Alicia and Grace while munching down some greasy Pizza Hut. I kinda dig the show since I did the interview with the Ghost Hunter dudes from Mankato back in October. I've always found this stuff kind of fascinating, which I think is why we always end up spending a lot of our time back in Hartley wandering around the cemetary late at night. That and I always wanted to be Winston from the GhostBusters.


Plans are now official, barring a restriction from a doctor, and Grace and I are going to Portland, Oregon, for Spring Break. I'm pumped. First of all because I love flying and travelling and secondly because Portland could be my home in the near-future and I'd love to see what the city has to offer. This is a VERY exciting time for this kid right here.


The story I submitted to my Fiction Writing Workshop went over HUGE today. For the second semester in a row, I had a teacher/writer tell me to try and turn it into a novel and get it published. I'm a big fan of the piece and would love to find some free time to actually sit down and work on it. The problem is, most of my free time is segmented into little 1/2 an hour blocks here and there. Not nearly enough to put in any worthwhile work on the piece. We'll have to see what I can do with it, but I really wish I'd gotten into creative writer prior to my senior year. Only this past fall did I really get big on the whole idea of being a writer...too bad, four years in the incredible writing environment that the MSU Creative Writing Department is and I'd be well on my way. I love the staff in the creative writing program here. They are incredible and I think every student should take a writing class at some point, just for the hell of it as an artistic expression sort of thing. Lots of people can write and never do. Too many people can't write, but try to anyway. In the end it's all about passion and finding it. I found out that creative writing is really a major passion of mine...but found out WAY too late in the game.


So this dude from the Twins calls me tonight, right?! He's trying to force me into buying a Twins ticket pack. And I'm all...take it easy bro, I'll buy tickets when I want them. And he's all...but they're going fast. And I'm all...that's great, I'll get back to you some other time. And he's all...dude, this is how I make my living. And I'm all...dude, I don't have a freakin' pirate's chest full of cash sitting around to buy some Twins tickets right now. I've got rent, food, utilities and gas to worry about. Then he's all...okay...I'll just try again tomorrow. I love the Twins...but this dude is a major Douche-MaGouche!!

------------- = hilarious


Stuart Dybek's "Pet Milk" is probably the best short story I've ever read. I compared his writing to a coloring book. He gives a vivid and descriptive picture...but still leaves that picture open to interpretation, thus allowing the reader to color it in. I loved the story and recommend it to anyone who likes reading, writing, coffee, sex or Dybek and if one of those five things didn't cover something you should probably take up a hobby of some kind or get that stick out of your butt. Great it. It's like four pages long...real short.


I suppose that's all for now. I've been avoiding my homework long enough...I guess. Be sure to check the new BASEBALL BLOGGERS website for updates and I'll try to keep this bad boy updated as well.


Sunday, February 05, 2006


Okay folks, I realize it's been about a million years since I posted anything and hey...that's gonna happen...get over it. I've been gracious enough to blow off some more homework and bless both of you who read my blog with some preseason baseball predictions. Now realize these predictions come prior to Spring Training, the World Baseball Classic and/or all of the free agents getting signed. So clearly there are some major tangibles that can mess with what I've got here. In these ratings I'm assuming Roger Clemens retires...otherwise you know he'd take the Cy Young!! :-)

But's my bold preseason predictions...

Jim Thome - DH/1B, Chicago White Sox
-35 HR 125 RBI

Honorable Mention: Randy Johnson - SP, New York Yankees

Barry Bonds - LF, San Francisco Giants
-38 HR 132 RBI 156 BB

Honorable Mention: Scott Rolen - 3B, St. Louis Cardinals

Alex Rodriguez - 3B/SS, New York Yankees
-42 HR 148 RBI .332 BA

Honorable Mention: David Ortiz - DH/1B, Boston Red Sox

Albert Pujols - 1B, St. Louis Cardinals
-47 HR 143 RBI .341 BA

Honorable Mention: Miguel Cabrera - 3B/OF, Florida Marlins

Johan Santana - SP, Minnesota Twins
19-5 2.46 ERA 264 Ks

Honorable Mention: Randy Johnson - SP, New York Yankees

Pedro Martinez - SP, New York Mets
21-6 3.14 ERA 243 Ks

Honorable Mention: Jake Peavy - SP, San Diego Padres

Brian Anderson - CF, Chicago White Sox
.303 BA 18 HR 93 RBI

Honorable Mention: Andy Marte - 3B, Cleveland Indians; Delmon Young - OF, Tampa Bay Devil Rays; Francisco Liriano - P, Minnesota Twins

Prince Fielder - 1B, Milwaukee Brewers
.296 BA 26 HR 124 RBI

Honorable Mention: Josh Barfield - 2B, San Diego Padres; Hanley Ramirez - SS, Florida Marlins; Conor Jackson - 1B/OF, Arizona Diamondbacks; Anthony Reyes - P, St. Louis Cardinals

Red Sox
Blue Jays
Devil Rays

White Sox
Twins - WC


Braves - WC



ALDS: Yankees over Twins 3-2
White Sox over Athletics 3-0

NLDS: Braves over Giants 3-2
Mets over Cardinals 3-2

ALCS: Yankees over White Sox 4-2

NLCS: Mets over Braves 4-1

WORLD SERIES: Yankees over Mets 4-2

Dark-Horse Teams: Brewers, Padres, Blue Jays and Rangers.

Friday, January 20, 2006 is the Devil...

So I got bored tonight and by some random click of the mouse ended up at

Basically this is one of those lame-ass websites that has a bazillion little quizzes and stuff such as "What Type of Pie Are You" and "What's Your Lifestyle Philosophy" and shizzle like that.

The sad part is...Grace and I spent nearly two hours combined on the damn thing taking quiz after basically here they are...some of the random quiz responses I got..enjoy or loathe, the choice is yours.


What Does Your Birthdate Mean?

***Your Birthdate: December 5***

You have many talents, and you are great at sharing those talents with others.
Most people would be jealous of your clever intellect, but you're just too likeable to elicit jealousy.
Progressive and original, you're usually thinking up cutting edge ideas.
Quick witted and fast thinking, you have difficulty finding new challenges.

Your strength: Your superhuman brainpower

Your weakness: Your susceptibility to boredom

Your power color: Tangerine

Your power symbol: Ace

Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?


How Do You Live Your Life?

***How You Live Your Life***

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
You're open to new people and friends, which makes you a pretty popular person.
You tend to always dream of things within reach - and you usually get them.

How Do You Live Your Life?


What Were You in a Past Life?

***In a Past Life...***

You Were: A Happy Go Lucky Alchemist.

Where You Lived: Russia.

How You Died: Killed in Battle.

Who Were You In a Past Life?


What Move Genre is the Story of Your Life?

***The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick***

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?


Who Were You in High School?

***All American Kid***

Popular but not plastic. Athletic but not a jock. Smart but not a brain.

You were well rounded and well liked in high school.

Who Were You In High School?


What Superhero Are You?


...on that note, I'm officially going to bring this worthless blog post to an end and apologize to both of you who are still reading. You know who you are!!

Friday, January 06, 2006


Well Christmas Break is slowly winding down and I thought it was a good time to tack another blog up on this bad boy. Because I know that all of you (read: both of you) who read this are just dying for another hit.

Break has been just as I figured it would be: just a lot of hanging out at home with the family, hanging out with The Boys, cruising around Hartley talking until all hours of the night, sleeping in and reading some good books.

Personally, I'm about ready to get back to Mankato, not class...but Mankato. I think it's been the two-week long string of cloudy-dreary days that's starting to do me in or the fact that just about everyone is either back to school or busy. Whatever the case may be...I'm ready to head north.

Well...I guess that's about it for all of onto the random stuff...

Conan O'Brien's Skit on 1864 Baseball...HILARIOUS!!

Johnny and Me Starring in "Wedding Crashers"
My apologies if the "Wedding Crashers" trailer doesn't work correctly. The site keeps deleting it and stuff, getting to be a pain in the ass!!

Yeah...enjoy those. Can you tell I'm getting a little boredy-poo near the end of break here? Yeah...that'll happen. Anywho, I suppose that's all I've got for now, I'm sure I'll cook up something else later on and making another very insightful post (riiiiiight)....